Why I live.

Justice aka Revenge

2011-05-01T23:08:00.000-07:00

I never write on here anymore, because I don't really feel a need to any more... as strange as that sounds. But right now, I feel more compelled than ever to write.

On a night when millions of americans are in the streets chanting U-S-A and celebrating the death of Osama Bin Laden, I feel remorseful. I've of course made jokes tonight and quoted team america and watched wide eyed at Obama's speech but over all I feel very uncomfortable. Facebook is filled with statuses of excitement and joy and satisfaction and I feel so torn. To celebrate the death of any person seems unbelievably wrong yet I know that killing him had to be done... there is no other way to stop someone who simply uses terror and death for power. I know that it isn't morally wrong to be celebrating- people are feeling that justice has been served.... but for religious extremists, they are thinking the same thing when we are harmed... justice. Why do we have to use death as a means of feeling like a chapter is closed or that justice has been served? If humans are ever going to get a long and stop the endless cycle of killing maybe the whole concept of justice needs to be thrown out, two wrongs certainly don't make a right. But then again, I can't bring myself to call the killing of bin laden wrong but I also can't bring myself to call the mass celebration of death as right...

9/11 was a horrible day but it's over now and we have to move on and stop trying to seek justice. Trying to stay safe is one thing but seeking something that is simply just a nicer name for revenge fails to help humans and will ultimately separate us all once more.

It is not human nature to do these things, we are an under determined species- these things have been taught. We need to stop teaching the myth that revenge or justice will bring happiness.

New!

2011-02-19T15:07:00.000-08:00

Please check out my new blog... my new experiment!

http://reusedrecylcedreloved.blogspot.com/

Follow it and love it please! : )

Anthropologie's Valentines Gift to Me

2011-02-14T13:18:00.001-08:00

Anthropologie has just released their new wedding line today: BHLDN

It's dreamy and perfect and I've been awaiting it anxiously. The shoes are incredible and the eyelet medley sheathe gown is picturesque!

Look and Love

http://www.bhldn.com/index.cfm

Happy Valentines Day!

Epic Poem versus Love

2011-02-09T17:48:00.000-08:00

Well I'm procrastinating... there is nothing I'd rather do right now that not do my paper on Gilgamesh. Don't get me wrong, I love Sumer and Gilgamesh... what's not to love about an Epic poem which focuses on death and corpses being eaten by bugs? Okay, so there is far more to it than than that. But really, it's not what I'd like to be thinking about right now. So I'm going to instead write about something fantastically indulgently happy.

Valentines Day.

Now, I know that valentines day is kind of a taboo phrase. When said out loud it evokes eye rolls or eye glitzes. There are always the people who love it and the people who would rather bite their arms off than give into this corporate created greeting card holiday. Now I've never really been on either of those sides, I love holidays but valentines day has never really meant much to me. But this year I realized something... this year I will actually be in the same country as my boyfriend on a day that is all about indulging yourself in love. So needless to say, I got a little excited when I realized this.

I've decided that this year, I will celebrate and I will indulge and evoke eye rolls and I will enjoy it all while wearing a fabulous outfit. I mean hey, when is there a better time to put on a silk blouse and some sky high wedges? No other day, I say! But I also decided I wouldn't go over board and just jump into the deep end. No thoughtless presents and store written cards, just a nice night out with someone I love.

I've decided valentines day is all about balance. Enjoying a day devoted to love is such a well, lovely idea. Be it with friends you love or an actual lover or just indulging yourself because you love yourself! But it's important to balance it and not let all the heart shaped pillows in target go to your head, even though they are incredibly appealingly cute!

So buy yourself a new top from you're favorite shop! Meet your best friends for drinks and chocolate covered strawberries! Take your petite amie for a nice night out and give her an excuse to pull out the heels! Just do things you love, on a day dedicated to love.

So Happy Early Valentines Day, may it be filled with love.

It's a wonderful life

2011-02-08T21:06:00.000-08:00

Last December I took some time and followed my very own Yorkshire man back to his city, I spent my first Christmas away from home. I ate more than any one person should eat. I got actually "piss" drunk for the first time in my life. I felt more homesick than I've ever felt in my life. I lit my dress on fire in a fire place. Again, I drank more alcohol than I've ever consumed before. I pet a donkey. I realized just how loud growing up in America has made me compared to everyone else, seriously, it's embarrassing. I watched wayyy to much top gear and come dine with me. And I had an amazing time even though I cried... often and hard.

But, hey, that's just me. I cry. Anyways... there is a point to this! I've been a bit of free spirit these past few years. I've floated around university programs... arts and anthropology and writing and so on and finally found humanities but hadn't really known how to hone that down and create a life I wanted to live... a life that will inspire. Since I realized that my life long dream of having no consequences and travelling the world until my hair grows grey would probably be not a great idea... I started wanting to find something I felt ready to devote too. While on my English Christmas Extravaganza, the badger's family took us two to London for a few hours one day. We stopped by the V&A and I saw an exhibit which included clips from The Rite of Spring... my favorite ballet because of what an important role it plays in human history. Walking through the V&A is something else, literally. The fact that people get to spend their time working there surrounded by some of the greatest human accomplishments just blows my tiny American cultured mind. I cannot help but feel things when I'm in a place like that, literally you can feel the past there.

So when I cam back to the good ol' USA to continue my university work I finally choose a "focus." Museum Studies. This is pretty big for me, I never make decisions like this. So wish me luck on my new adventure! I hope to one day be able to surround myself with some of the greatest achievements of human kind, on a daily basis.

I hope that anyone who stumbles into reading this has led and is living a life in which inspiration is around them. Let it surround you. Let it envelope you. Let it arouse you. But most importantly, share it with those around you. Let's inspire each other.

And even though you will probably never read this, I'd like to give an incredibly important thank you to the Badgers for inviting me and having me during a very special time of the year. I regret that I was so incredibly shy, but it's only because I worry about my obnoxiously American cultured self around people of other less loud cultures. So thank you : )

Am I an animal? Part 1

2011-01-30T18:34:00.000-08:00

Well it's supposed to snow in Flagstaff tonight and tomorrow, so clearly I am sitting here checking the weather every ten minutes, waiting for the snow to fall, and hoping for a text from my university tomorrow saying "class cancelled" aka... SNOW DAY.

Snow day, two of the greatest words invented. The definition of snow day is: A day in which leaving the house except to build a snow man will be putting yourself into danger so one must only eat popcorn and nutella and canned soup( the only things in my pantry right now) drink lots of tea and snuggle up to a book one is really looking forward to reading. That's my daydream for tomorrow, not what is actually going to happen. I am actually going to have to put on all the clothes I own and march through sleet and snow across campus to my classes. But what's important here really, is that one of my classes is actually helping me change.

Woah, change? Can people really change? Wait, can I really evolve myself in the course of 3 months? The answer is yes, I've done it in a week. It all started last Monday.

Monday evenings I have class called HUM 373, aka Nature and Values. I am the only humanities major in a class which all environmental studies majors are required to take. We were having an in class discussion after our grey haired lanky man of a professor wearing his plaid shirt read us the syllabus, and it was all about why aren't we changing. Everyone knows the ozone layer is depleting the Hopi tribe has said we have already gone so far we can't turn back and a British guy who knows what he is talking about has stated that after this century we are probably done, kaput, peace out planet Earth. So why aren't we changing when change is a part of our culture already?

We threw around ideas, and then I came to a conclusion on a whim said it out loud and everyone went, yeah. I am an animal. You, me, the badger, my best friend, my dog, my sister, all every single one of us, animals. But no one looks at it that way. Because we think we are above it. Because we live in our cultures we think we are not apart of nature.

We believe that we can own anything, we don't think of ourselves as a part of the land we live on, we think of ourselves as owning it. It part of our culture, we own our animals and land and we are certainly not animals, we are humans. But it's also part of our culture to change.

We are amazing animals, but we are animals. So try and think about that... try and think about ways you and I could change, do you want to change?

Should we really own our ideas?

2011-01-21T14:56:00.000-08:00

It's not secret, we all want to be unique. People may try to blend in and go with the flow but everyone wants to feel special and original and unique, especially when it comes to our thoughts and ideas.

No matter what we look like, we will always be dissatisfied with something. It doesn't matter what we weigh, if our hair is turning grey, how we dress or anything, we will always be dissatisfied. But with our ideas and thoughts it's different. How good does it feel to have that ah-hah moment when you realize something? How fast does your heart beat when you realize the answer to the question you've been pondering all day? How perfect is that moment when realization knocks you over when you least expect it? It's electrifying, that feeling of I've figured something out! The moment when for one second your idea has solved the riddle of life, and you did it all on your own! God, there is nothing like it!

To all of a sudden come to a conclusion on something you spend hours and days and months and years pondering makes a person feel important and special and original, if only for a minute. I love that feeling. That's how I feel when I write a blog post, I feel for just a tiny second that my original ideas are more important to my survival in life than anything else!

But then it hits me, I'm human, of course I'm having these thoughts. How can my thoughts be truly original when people all over the world are probably thinking the same things and coming to the same conclusions at the same time! This was an ah-hah moment I had last night, and it was tragic. I felt cut down and completely lacking in intelligence and originality. Thoughts that I spend hours and months and years thinking about felt.... like they belonged to someone else.

But then came another moment, an ever more important ah-hah than the original thought I had in the first place! Thank God people are having the same thoughts as me! If my thoughts really are about what I think is best for me and those around me and humanity, I want , no I need other people to be thinking the same things!

It's great that we have ah-hah moments, but it's even better that we as humans can think and feel the same things as other people around us and even contribute to others around us! For a blog that's all about the living, whether they be the living past, future, or present, that has to be something I realize.

Ideas these days can be patented and protected, but really, ideas are meant to be shared. That's the beauty of our minds, our sixth sense if you will. The beauty that our minds can give us more happiness and truth than any other sense we have.

We have to share our ideas so that other's can experience that wonderful ah-hah moment, so that humanity can help each other.

Square.

2010-10-27T15:12:00.001-07:00

It turns out, I am more of a square than I thought, and I am okay with that. Finally.

My brain works at the pace of lightening, not in a good way but in a I think really fast and make decisions really fast, way. My mind is immediately always drawn to something dramatic and drastic, I guess because I actually think with emotions instead of logic.

In just over a week I was supposed to be jetting off on the experience of a lifetime, a year long working holiday in New Zealand. I made the decision to go in such a snap because well, I thought it was adventurous and bold and the only thing available. I was excited and jittery and a bit nervous until about two months before hand. Then panic set in... I am halfway through my degree, I'm pretty broke, I still get homesick and I have to sleep with the hall light on. Am I really ready to jet off to a tiny island where I know no one?

It was more than cold feet, it was my brain kicking in and over riding my crazy wild dreamy emotions. I'll be honest, it's one of the first times!

It wasn't the right time to go, and it will be one day, but it isn't now. I need to finish my degree, after all I do love learning. I need to have more security and stability for a bit, after all I've never stayed in any one place very long. And I need to realize it's okay to be a bit of a square sometimes.

I will always be adventurous and crave travelling, but sometimes I just need to calm down and have adventures right where I am. I don't have to always be so bold and daring to lead an exciting life. In fact, my new plans are are far more exciting to me and feel so right.

It's okay to be a square.

Matchy Matchy.

2010-08-16T18:30:00.000-07:00

If there is one thing that drives me crazy, it's the matchy matchy thing. Lavender bags with lavender tissue with lavender ribbon. Red sheets under a red duvet piled with red pillows. A blob of one color. I can't stand it. I like things to of course have consistency in some ways, similar hues and such, but I hate it when things are exactly the same.

When any two things match perfectly, they become the same thing... well in my eyes at least. I simply can't separate where one thing ends, and another begins. When things go well together though, they're separate and recognizable while sharing some sort of flow. In the past week I've had to explain to the badger that I just can't handle that much of one color, and it really got me to thinking about matchy mathcyness and how it relates to people.

When two people are the same, when they match too much, they become some sort of entity that can't be seen as separate. I mean, let's be honest, the song is Ebony and Ivory, not Ebony and Ebony. Or as Ella put it, you say tomato I say tomato. Distinctoin and separation between people can make for some magical harmonies. To be the same person, well it simply doesn't make music.

I would never want to be that entity with someone. I have best friends, I have people who I am unimaginably close too, but I am so obviously still a singular person. I flow with people, but luckily, I don't simply match.

Although I am coupled with someone, and was given the nickname kadger in the past week, I know I don't match that person. A look through our itunes could sure tell you that, no seriously. But even more so, we both manage to remain singular in our passions and preferences in so many things, we are lucky enough to really share a common bond while remaining so different and distinct. It's obvious we flow, but luckily, we don't simply match.

Chain Judger

2010-05-22T22:01:00.000-07:00

Today I had a wonderful talk with someone I used to be very close to. It was nice to just lie there sprawled across the bed chatting, it was comfortable, it felt so... naturally normal. But some of the things I heard shocked me, and made me down right frustrated.

Now, this blog is all about the way I view my life, the lives I see, and life in general. I put out my opinions, but I do recognize other opinions, and I try my very hardest not to judge people based on their different opinions. But sometimes, I just want to judge.

I want to judge, because someone else judged, and it's this big nasty chain of judging each other. It all started when someone judged someone I feel close to for this person's very personal choices. I won't get into details, but yes, in a nut shell... it was ridiculous.

It made me think about how judging really is a chain. If someone judges me, I feel the need to make a snap decision about them and judge them right back. When someone judges someone I know, the exact same thing happens. It's like that song, she only smokes when she drinks... well I only judge when I'm judged... and that's simply pathetic; yet so simply human.

I hate the idea that I'm putting on my judgy pants in haste when I don't fully know why that person made the judgement. I may not agree with it, but what if the person is so emotionally connected to the situation, and no one else sees that. I need to take off my judgy pants and realize... I'll never fully understand another person's perspective... because I don't have the ability to ride the magic school bus into someone's brain.

Chain Judging must be stopped, but it has to start with myself. My judgy pants are off.

Ugly Katie.

2010-05-20T18:00:00.000-07:00

There are things that each of us dislike about ourselves. From a little extra fat on the inside of our thighs or the way we crack under pressure or the way we look in a mirror. We find in ourselves the worst faults, worse than anyone else could see in us.

As a person who has struggled with self image issues in her past, and like everyone else always has little woes, I know what it feels like to completely loath yourself for something. We are many of us guilty of finding our ugly selves more often than we find our beautiful selves.

Ugly Katie stares back at me some mornings in the mirror, and to shake her off takes quite a bit of work. She's controlling, emotional, unattractive looking, and when I see her my stomach drops. Some days Ugly Katie never goes away, somedays we all just feel Ugly.

The thing we all have to realize is, we have to constantly keep ourselves in check. Constantly make sure we are being the best person we can be, helping out the global community just by loving those around us. But to love those around us, we honestly have to love ourselves. Because when I am Ugly Katie, I think the world thinks of me as Ugly Katie, and that really makes it hard to love them back. To see those around us with clarity we must view ourselves with some sense of it as well. We are to biased to make such harsh and rash judgements upon ourselves because we are to eager to jump to negative conclusions.

I mean we are always all going to have Ugly days. Days where it seems impossible to not cry or scream at someone; and more importantly it seems impossible to feel beautiful( and I don't necessarily mean physical beauty) and love ourself. But the only way to feel beautiful is to learn to fight through the Ugly days. To learn to combat your inner Ugliness with love and appreciate yourself and those around you.

If we ever want to fully love those around us and ourselves we can't let the Ugly version of ourselves take us over, we have to fight for our beauty everyday. We have to fight to be the version of ourself that makes us happiest. And while we will always want to loose 5 pounds or become better at being a lover or make the people around us happier, we also have to always know how to kick that negative feelings and combat the ugly.

It's up to yourself to decide how to fight off your personal Ugly. But I'll have you know, once you fight it off life can really be beautiful.

No amount of praise from people will change the way we view ourselves, it's up to me to not be Ugly Katie.

I will survive... and so will you.

2010-05-13T13:50:00.001-07:00

I like the past.

I like vintage, I like believing in ghosts, I like history, I like museums filled with toaster ovens and bicycles and things that were once new that now seem so fragile. I like listening to elderly discuss life back in a different time. I like period movies and crinoline petticoats and old worn horse shoes. I like the past, I really do.

As a person who lives " in the future" so often and is always looking for something new, I find myself drawn constantly into the past. History has always been something so intriguing to me. It's like learning about a whole new world, yet it all happened right here. And yes, feel free to burst into a chorus of Aladin's whole new world as you are reading this, I know I did...

Anyways, Right here, where I am sitting now, was a completely different place in a different time. It's insanity really. It's mind blowing. I can spend hours walking around museums filled with trinkets and treasures and just think about the people who used to hold them dear. It's impossible to walk through museums without thinking about the child who once rode that shiny new bike or the 1950's wife who made toast for her family every morning through her modern new toaster oven. It's impossible not to think about the people behind all the items from the past.

I have this locket that belonged to a family member of mine from ages ago. It's etched with vines and a cross hatch pattern and it's made from a delicate worn down gold. The hinge is broken, and sadly, in such a frail state it can't be fixed. I've always wanted to wear that locket since it was given to me. It's funny though to think that when my great great great grandmother was wearing that locket, she had no idea that I one day would treasure it so, or that she in a way would live on through it. I obviously never knew her, but I imagine her every time I look at it.

We all think that when we die we stop being known completely, that life just moves on and we are never going to be remembered again. But while life goes on, the past always finds a way to pop out, it's always here. I now have my own locket, something I've wanted badly for ever. My sister gave me the simple silver heart with KAS etched across it for Christmas last year. I've never taken it off since, but one day I will.

One day I will get to be the person who passes down a treasure of mine to be someone else's. It may be out dated and the hinge may be ruined, but it will be a beautiful reminder that the past still does live on. The people who once lived aren't dead really, they survive through the most ordinary objects and become constant memories that everything we are right now, will one day be the past.

We are so afraid of growing old, so afraid of being people of the past; I admit it, I am. But the most remarkable thing is that we are truly lucky in that way, one day I will get to be the great great great grandmother who lives on through my beloved locket. I love the past, and although I hate the idea of wrinkles and fake teeth, I feel honored that one day I will be a person of the past living on through the entirety of the future.

The silver may be scratched and writing illegible but one day generations after me someone will imagine who I was, who the girl wearing this locket really was. And that's how we live on, and that's absolutely lovely.

What a symmetrical face you have my dear!

2010-05-12T20:59:00.001-07:00

The first time I met Mr. Badger I immediately noticed two things. A. He had a white man afro and B. beyond his hair he was incredibly attractive ( Sorry love, but you know I never liked that fro of yours). The second thing I noticed was that he smiled and laughed a lot, I was just super drawn to him and wanted to be a part of the fun. I didn't know why immediately, but I knew I wanted to talk to him more. On a night out I found myself maneuvering my way around people just to "happen to sit by him".... although he claims it was him who tried to sit by me... either way, we ended up talking. And the rest, well, it just sort of all happened.

The point of me regurgitating this story is that the reason we are attracted to people really amazes me. Now Mr. Badger studies biology. He believes in science. I study the people around me, and I half believe science but with my whole heart believe in feelings. Science tells us that the colors we wear, and the higher our voices, and the wider our hips, the more likely a man is to love us. And for women, science tells us we are more attracted to big dilated pupils and big other things. Well mostly Cosmopolitan tells us that last one, but you get what I'm saying. I think we are just naturally drawn to some people because of a feeling. I can't explain it, it makes no sense, and I'll face it.... it sounds like "new age" nonsense, I know. But it's just a feeling. And no, I don't center my chakra daily... but I have been told I have a violet aura. Yeah I'm pretty fantastic. Okay, anyways...

Whenever I meet someone for the first time I always get a feeling about them. It's body language, it's eye contact, it's humor, it's everything. But I usually either feel drawn to the person, or just want to stay away. And of course, when I'm first attracted to someone it's due to their looks, that's normal I'm pretty sure. But as time goes one, the more I get to know a person, my view of their outside really changes. I've met people I found unattractive physically who I grew to find attractive, and vice versa, just from getting to know them. Does this ever happen to you? I mean maybe I'm crazy, but I swear that happens to me.

Science also tells us that the more symmetrical the face the more beautiful the person. But I know plenty of people with odd looking faces that I feel are stunning because of that. And I know plenty of famous actors and models and performers have unique looking features and are viewed as beautiful in society. I guess that more has to do with popularity though and the way it changes how we view people...which is a completely different factor for a whole different day.

So here is my question, why are we attracted to certain people? Why did I get the feeling I wanted to know Mr. Badger more when I barely knew him at all? What is it about people that automatically makes us think, I've got to be near them. It's a question that I can only answer with an answer that will appease myself. And it might lack complete and utter sense to you, but to me, it all boils down to a feeling.

But that's just me. I've never really liked science much.

American woman, please don't stay away from me

2010-05-08T18:41:00.000-07:00

I currently feel like shit.

I feel ignored, and ridiculous, and all other awful feeling things a girl can feel sometimes. So I'm going to write about a woman who wouldn't let herself get down over this, because I am not letting someone else make me feel this bad, and golly am I'm tired of crying.

I want to write about someone who is an inspiration to me, a woman who wouldn't just sit by and cry over someone either, yes ladies and gents, Judy Garland is her name, and American women are the game. From Somewhere Over the Rainbow to A Star is Born, Judy Garland is stellar. I can honestly say I know every word in Meet Me in St. Louis, and I admit that proudly. She dealt with her drug addiction, multiple failing relationships, and hundreds of husbands, all the while remaining as lovely as ever. She was a true American Woman.

The characters she choose to play were all ideal. They were innocent ingenues, but stuck up for things they knew were right. They couldn't be contained by society yet they still maintained their own moral codes. They had huge hearts and amounts of courage to match. They went through heart ache and pulled through to the end. They were ideal American Women.

I recently read an interesting article in the financial times titles American Ideal. It discussed how everyone all over the world knew about these American women and their outrageous acts in the 1920's. They could do what they want, they weren't just stay at home women anymore. They were out partying and smoking and drinking gin and playing poker... while still wearing heels, a dress, and smelling wonderful, so scandalous. They were sassy alright, but they were delicate flowers at the same time. It's a balance and partnership of characteristics that made them so appealing. It's the perfect equation for a woman of intelligence and intrigue and freedom at the same time, it's so damn American. It's all about freedom and the ideals of not being contained, while still maintaing the womanly image. It's one of the most endearing things to see in other women I think, and I hope to have some of these qualities myself.

I think the most inspiring women are those like Judy Garland. The opinionated, stubborn women who still maintain a grace about them. They are free and fun and loving, but they won't be taken for granted... and they have the confidence to do what they want. I hope that I too can be an ideal American woman in this life, free and soft, but strong and courageous.

And to all those American woman out there, you are truly awe inspiring, just like Ms. Garland.

An ode to the perfect summer hat.

2010-05-04T22:29:00.001-07:00

It's no lie that my skin is as white as snow... and it's sickening. When summer roles around it's all about sunscreen and hats for me, and hopefully a bit of tan will come my way without turning me into a wrinkly old woman. But finding the perfect hat is sickening as well, seeing as I look like a complete oaf in half of them out there. But this summer, I found it.

Now, this obviously isn't a fashion blog. But I admit I do spend a fair bit of my time browsing lookbook and reading Elle & Vogue & Nylon & Lucky. Sometimes I just find myself completely captivated by the art of fashion.

I hope we can all agree without getting into the "what is art" argument, that fashion is an art form, right? It's expression, it's beauty,and honestly it's rare in a world filled with people walking around purely in outfits put together and mass produced out of stores like top shop or forever 21... not that I don't shop at those stores as well. But fashion isn't supposed to be about everyone looking exactly the same. Everyone wearing shoes, shorts, shirts, bags, headbands, all from one store. No... it's art! That means it's creativity, it's new, it's experimenting, it's pushing the boundaries sometimes. Let's face it, fashion isn't about comfort, it's about so much more, just like any other art form. Do you really think the first ballerina's to perform Le Scare Du Printemps( The rite of Spring) felt comfort when mass chaos broke out just due to the choreography... not they were pushing the limits. They knew people wouldn't like it, it wasn't comfortable for them, but they were creating art.

The thing is , it is far easier to wear our Gap sweater with our Nordstrom jeans and Steve Madden flats, because that's what the magazines or stores have put together for us... but that my friends, is not fashion to me. That's simply tracing a drawing someone else put their passion and imagination into. So this summer, I am trying out some new things, trying to push my own boundaries. I refuse to plagiarize.

I've found a hat I wouldn't normally pick out for me, and it turned out to look quite groovy on me I think! So try something new, maybe even check out your local thrift stores and just start creating... if you feel inclined to do so. Like other forms of art, fashion doesn't have to be for everyone. But it is for me, and I feel quite passionate about it.

And passion, is what creates world changing art. And just like in life, pushing the boundaries for something you are passionate about isn't going to feel safe, but that doesn't mean it isn't right.

And to think, all this flew out of my mouth... or my fingers I suppose... because of a hat.

Oh Arizona...

2010-04-29T13:26:00.000-07:00

As fantastic as Arizona is, it's got some MAJOR political issues... have a look at John Stewart's hilarious comments on our ridiculous new law.

http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/mon-april-26-2010/law---border

Hit the road Jack

2010-04-29T13:02:00.001-07:00

It's 5:50 am, and I'm leaving my house for work. I get into my car, back out of the drive way, and without evening hesitating find myself on the 202 and then transferring on to highway 60. It takes no thought, which is perfect for an early morning commute.

The funny thing is though, if I were awake enough to even notice what was around me, I'd see a highway that was used for movie filming( The Kingdom), I'd see mountains that have famous folklore's and a rich historical connection to the old west. I'd see where John Wayne or Elvis movies where filmed, a city where people flock to for fashion centers, spas, and nightlife... just a whole valley booming with excitement and culture. But I don't see that, because I live here. To me it's just the highway that gets me from A to B, it's the mountains that sit behind my house that I hike at, it's no big deal, it's just the valley. I mean, the Grand Canyon was an hour away from where I went to school, so we went whenever we wanted... it's no big deal to me.

But it is a big deal! People travel from all over the world to see Arizona, yet it's all just a few hours away from me. I've seen loads of it, and I love to explore it, but like everyone else... I take it for granted. I personally have the travel bug. I want to go everywhere, experience everything, and meet everyone. What I sometimes forget is, it shouldn't cost a $ 1,000 plane ticket to travel. I can travel five minutes away from my house and experience something great, if only I am open to it.

Now I definitely try to be open to it. I convince friends to go on spur of the moment drives to Jerome or Sedona or just somewhere new... but why we don't we all do this more? We spend saturdays packed in student houses or dorms all on our heavily used macbooks stumbling on pictures of what looks like the most enchanting place ever. The truth is though, a place that enchanting is probably just a few miles away. Everywhere we are, everywhere we go, there is something to see, something to experience, and someone new to meet. So in reality, to travel, all we need to do is open our eyes and step outside.

It's up to us experience all the world has to offer!

Come on, let's travel.

Goodbye is the new Hello

2010-04-23T12:20:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago, after spending twelve not so perfect, yet perfect days with mr. badger, he had to leave me. It was uncomfortable and unnatural to let go of him as we stood there, arms wrapped around each other at his gate. As I walked out of the airport, everyone staring at me while I was sobbing pretty obnoxiously, I thought how much I hated saying goodbye. Yes, Hate. To my love, to friends, to family, to people I barely know, saying goodbye is one of those things that just feels so against human nature and wrong.

But the truth is, saying goodbye is part of life, it is natural. People come in and out of our lives when we need them or when they need us, so naturally most people don't stay in our lives forever. I know this all to well, being the child of an air force father. I've moved from country to country, town to town, home to home, almost every other year for my entire life. I love that I had that growing up, but sometimes I'm jealous of the people who have known their friends or mates for almost twenty years. I never had that, but I hope to someday.

I understand why we have to say goodbye, but I can't be the only person who finds it to be the worst feeling in the world, right? I've found the only way to cope with the saying goodbye blues, are to think about the hello's. Because every time we have to let go of someone in our lives, we get the chance to meet another person who can affect us or change us or help us or let us help them, and that is truly lovely. So, although I have had to say goodbye to my fair share of boyfriends or best friends, I have met ones now that were well worth the goodbyes I had to go through.

Sometimes, getting through a goodbye is actually a way of finding yourself a new hello. And maybe that next hello, will be the one that stays around forever.

PofV

2010-04-22T20:13:00.000-07:00

This post is inspired by Mr. Badger, and his photography.

Whenever I "stumbleupon" a picture, or am looking for the right one to describe my words, I always find some awe inspiring page that makes me wish myself away to another place. The clouds are darkened, the grass is deepened with dew, the sun shines through the decaying and crumbled stone walls creating a shadow on the ground that holds as much beauty as the well worn building above, and I think... oh my god... I have got to get there. I immediately search for where it was taken and day dream myself to greece or brazil or wherever this picture was taken. Yes, the power of photography. Now, sadly, as much as I love art, I can only draw stick figures and my pictures are usually crooked and consist of a point-and-click-in-haste method. I don't have that gift, I wish I did.

I do however love to look at these photographs. And when I go some place new or some place old and find myself idolizing it, I write. I write songs, I write essays, I write short stories, I just write. I also tend to sing, but that's a whole different addiction of mine. It's so funny how looking at a picture and writing about a picture are so similar. It's all about point of view.

If the photographer or writer changes the angle, or alters the mood it can completely produce a different story. Those well worn stone walls now project a frightening shadow that creeps into our souls. The building is no longer antique, just simply fragmented. The clouds are foreboding and shout stay away. Contrasting views of photographers or writers or painters or sculptresses or any kind of artist can change our minds about anything we see.

Point of View is in the eye of the artist, or any of artists' senses for that matter. It turns out point of view may just be one of the most powerful things in this world.

P.S.- If you would like to see a handsome man's handsome point of view, http://callumbadger.tumblr.com/ is a place you could find it.

The Stench

2010-04-16T15:09:00.000-07:00

There's something about the smell of a human that can turn a mother bird from loving to abandoning in a snap. That first whiff of you on her chick will make her never come back.

It's interesting the stenches that can be left on us, or our lives, just from brief encounters with people. There are always those people that make us feel great, the ones that help us stay positive, the ones who we strive to be better around. But there are also those people who only have negative affects on our lives. It may not be life changing, or ground moving, but something slight. These people leave sour odors behind on us, and people around us may be able to pick up on them, but it's doubtful. Only someone as close to us, like a mother to a chick, would be able to smell the stench these negative nancy's have left behind on us.

It's usually the people who use us in their plots for attention, or need us and use us without realizing it, that leave the stench behind. And for all of us out there who can't say no to helping people with their problems, well, we just smell sometimes. From jealous schemers to those who are utterly depressed, it's easy for a person to get used in this life time. And, c'est la vie, that's just the way things go, but every time we are used, we gain a slight smell that someone else left behind.

I can of course, like everyone else, think of people who have used me, and people I have used. When I was about 12 I had a friend I mainly played with because she had insanely radical nintendo 64 games, not because I really liked her... yeah, we've all done it, maybe without even realizing it. But the worst cases, the worst smells, odors, and stenches, they are caused by people who know they are using us. The people who call us at 3 am time and time after again just so we can sort out their problems. The people who rely on us for things that no one should have to be relied on for. And the people who play on our own characteristics to get what they want out of us. These are the people who leave behind the worst stench, and if you haven't been used by one yet, trust me, you probably will be.

It's slight, but the stench is there. And even though we know it's wrong to pick up the baby duck or goose, sometimes we do it anyways. But, we have to remember that doing what we want has an affect on that duck, just as it is does on people.

Let's not leave stenches, let's not cause baby birds to be abandoned either.

Daydream Believer

2010-03-16T15:40:00.000-07:00

Okay, it's been ages since I've put pen to paper, or fingers to keyboard I suppose. But I have had lots of topics on my mind to write about, so in the next few days I am going to crank out some things on my mind! So my friends, sit back and enjoy my string of useless thoughts I think through out the day.

Let me set the scene, it's 8:00 pm. I've just gotten out of the shower after a sweaty trip to the gym. As I lay in my bed with my soaking wet hair drenching my bamboo fiber pillow case I turn on some episodes of The Mighty Boosh, the first season of course, and begin to stumble, a normal evening activity. After passing through a world of confusing games, random wikipedia pages, some recipes, diy activities, and much more I stumble on something that I stumble on very often. Writesomething.com. So of course I take a moment to write something random and not witty at all, and then I continue to read the page. Someone left a comment about how their mother taught her the importance of day dreaming, and I thought to myself, I thought Katie, that's so lovely.

As an avid day dreamer, I spend my time imagining myself marrying Stephen Colbert or going back in time to the twenties and swooning over some jazz or going on an adventure of uttermost importance to history or going back to Sumer and seeing Mesopotamia first hand... and marrying stephen colbert. I also imagine more romantic things, like staying in a coastal house in Greece while only wearing white dresses and perfect leather sandals while the wind whips through my wavy mess of hair. And sometimes I daydream about more realistic things, things that are coming in the future, or that I hope are coming. Whatever the dream, it happens often, and it happens at random times during the day. I also use day dreams at night as well though, I use them to fall asleep. I roll over on my side think wonderful dreams and am out like a rock. The power of the day dream!

I think day dreams are truly beautiful. We can use our imagination to unlock adventures and romance and excitement and anything we want! Our daydreams are also so personal, it's what our deepest desires are, the desires we don't have to share with anyone.

So keep day dreaming, keep traveling to other worlds, keep using the imagination we were born with, keep loving those moments when we can just lay outside in the sun dreaming of another place. Because day dreaming, I truly believe, is the most creative and personal thing a person can do.

I believe in day dreams, do you?

That's old...

2010-02-25T20:53:00.000-08:00

Guess what?

In a month and 2 hours I will be 20 years old. The end of my teens. The end of being a young adult. I will be 20. The... older... yet newer and better version of Kaitlyn Anne Skinner, the 2.0. version. It's a big deal, well, it's a pretty big deal. Actually, well... okay it's a big deal to me.

The scariest part about becoming 20.... in ten more years... I'll be thirty... after that 40... after that... oh my god... I'll be 50 years old. Yes, aging, a miraculous and fucking terrifying thing. I don't want to be 50, ever. I take that back, I'd like to live until 50, but I also would like to stay 19 forever.

You all must get the gist of my ramblings, time is terrifying. Time moves slow and fast at the same time. We dream of fast forward buttons on the boring or mundane times, we dream of stop buttons on the amazing memories. We keep dreaming, and time keeps passing, and it's sad. I mean, I want to live everyday for today, but it's harder said than done. Anyways...

What I really do want to talk about today is aging. The other day a lovely older woman walked in the coffee shop I'm a barista at. She had long silky grey hair cut in a simple way and it moved naturally. No dye, no fake highlights, no roots needing to be touched up, just shinning silky grey hair. I thought she was just wonderful to look at, she was embracing her natural beauty that comes with age. From 20 year olds wearing anti-wrinkle cream to 30 years old getting monthly botox, we just seem to not face age well. Men buy red shiny cars or have inspirational epiphanies. Women dye their hair and make it so their faces can't move. All this, just to prove we aren't aging?

The truth is, everyone knows we are aging, and I think the people who age the most gracefully, are the people who admit they are aging and embrace it. The ones who can have long silky grey hair and still feel 20 inside! The ones who can still run and jump and hike and bike ride at the age of 80 instead of going to the salon and worrying about their hair color! We all know we age folks... why is this a bad thing? With age comes wisdom, with age comes more love, with age comes experience, and with age still comes new times and memories and fun!

So I won't freak myself out about becoming 20 just yet, because I know I have such incredible times to come, and I hope to face them with grace. Let's all face our ages with grace, let's run and jump and climb and swim and hop and have fun for the rest of out long lives.

Time can't stop us!

Quench it!

2010-02-14T22:24:00.001-08:00

Somedays I wake up and just feel the need to find passion. I feel the need to quench my creative thirst and nourish myself with words or beauty or hand dyed charadney lace. On days like this I can not count on others to provide me with what I need, I must rely on myself and what I know.

As I put each leg into my tights, layer dress upon slip, scarf upon coat, mascara upon lashes, I can't help but crave fresh air. So I walk out the door with my perfectly tanned saddle bag slung across my body carrying only some variation of caffeine, a pen, and a notebook. Here I am, seeing the crumbling rock mountains around me, doodling flowers and faces, writing awful poetry and music, putting words on paper that make sense to no one but myself. It's now that I realize, the things we do, they have to be for us, not for anyone else. I know how to quench my thirst, and that's my job in life!

As I'm growing up, I'm starting to have to plan things around not only myself but the important people in my life. I'm having to make sure that I include the people I want in my life, while constructing a dream. Here I am knee deep in plans and decision making, when it's what I'm worst at. It's hard for me not only make decisions for myself but times that by 100 to the 9th degree and that's the pressure I feel when making decisions that are going to affect the people I care most about.

It's hard to do thing for ourselves sometimes, I really believe it's easier to make decisions that we think will make others happy than will make ourselves content. But on days, weeks, months, and years like these I realize just how important it is, that I make choices for myself. I have to live with the life I create, we all do.

So choose for yourself. Accept that your plans may have to include others and it's work to fit your dreams with the dreams of those you care about. But still, make sure it's your choice in the end. The only way we can be happy with our choices is to step up and make them ourselves.

This isn't 1800 anymore, the world is our oyster, and it's an expedia or sta travel ticket away. What we want, it's reachable. So keep reaching my friends.... and do it for yourselves.

I know I will.

Limbo.

2010-02-08T14:45:00.000-08:00

This is the time of year in Arizona where it feels like you are stuck between the warming holiday season and the future summer to come. Spring is not in the air my friends, because there is no spring to be heard of in Arizona. It's a place I like to think of as Limbo.

Not only am I in seasonal Limbo stuck between mild weather and a burning hot summer, but a kind of emotional limbo as well. Since the holidays are gone, I'm no longer in England, I'm no longer singing carols, I no longer spend all day with my boyfriend and best friend, and I'm no longer dreaming of wool tights and sweater dresses. No, no, that's all gone. Right now, is getting down to business time. It's working, it's cleaning out the closet, and it's simply dreaming of what's to come. Summer is now on my mind, and it's all I can think about.

I've been cursed with a brain that constantly thinks of the future, and rarely the now. I see my life as being perfect once March 23rd comes and I see callum for 12 days or once the summer comes and I get to play all day while working at a Summer Camp with people I love. I can't get enough of day dreaming about how lovely it's all going to be, once I get there. My plans are just all so brilliant and inspiring that i just want them to pan out now, I want the future now... my biggest fault.

Call it impatience, call it angst, call it missing people, call it whatever you may, but right now, I'm in limbo. I'm stuck here, and I can't get out fast enough. I live each day happily, but each day I happily think that I'm almost there... wherever that may be. But that's just me, that's how I am.

So it's high time I get out of emotional limbo, and not just live happily, but actually daydream about the way my life is now, what I have here. Because no matter how many times we check the clock a day, it's still here until the sun goes down.

Let's leap out of limbo together.

Kleenex vs. Tissues

2010-02-05T12:37:00.000-08:00

Well yesterday morning I woke up to a sore throat, an explosive head, and a snotty nose. Yes, the head cold got me, and it got me good. I decided to sleep in for once and just stay in bed, there was no way I was going anywhere while knives scraped the back of my throat and I couldn't breath without making Darth Vader noises. So I walloped in self misery and ignored the outside world, which by the way is what I do when I'm sick, feel sorry for myself, it's fantastic. Anyways, while I did all that I also took a skype call from the boyfriend of course. Our conversation mostly consisted of me complaining and falling asleep while drooling on my pillow... yes I actually fell asleep while talking to him... but hey I was sick!

Anyways, during my ramblings I told mr. badger I needed to go downstairs to get more kleenex... and that's when this all started. Now, kleenex is a brand of course, tissues are the product. But I was raised on kleenex, and like many people living in the continental united states, kleenex is what I call tissues. It's a horrible habit that I need to kick, I'll admit it. But branding of course plays a huge role in my life.

I realized I am a brand whore, and it's got to stop. I drink diet coke only, I blow my nose in kleenex, I shop at Urban outfitters, I use apple, google is my homepage, and tylenol cold is like magic to me. Oh dear, I think capitalism has really gotten to me.

But here is the problem, businesses start small and through being the best or connections or luck or all of it they grow into these brands that take over majorly. So then they become these huge corporate machines that can control much of the world through their success and monetary power, kind of a scary thought. But think about it, what small business doesn't dream of no financial worries, of being the best of the best in their area, and what's so wrong with that?

So what is wrong with calling tissues kleenex? Well, because kleenex isn't paying me to advertise for them, that is exactly why. In fact, I am paying them. It's similar to my biggest pet pee ever.

My biggest pet peeve in the world is...drum role please... wearing shirts or pants or any article of clothing that has a huge brand name written across it. Whew, glad I got that out.

I refuse to wear a pair of velour pants that exclaim "juicy" on the back, unless they are paying me to wear them. Why in the world would someone be a walking billboard for a company, when they aren't even paying them? It's ridiculous. Plain and simple, it's ridiculous! I get that brands are important to many people, me included sometimes, but come one people, we are not billboards! I have since 5th grade, refused to wear a shirt with any brand name on it, and I will continue to refuse for the rest of my life.

So here it is, in a capitalistic, consumer driven society we have to choose which battles to fight. I will try not to call tissues kleenex, because kleenex is just a name. Until kleenex is paying me to endorse their product, I will endorse tissues not kleenex. I need to stop being such a brand whore, so here I go fighting the world of capitalism while living knee deep in it.

Wish me luck!

Different Strokes

2010-01-25T03:56:00.000-08:00

When I wake up in the morning it seems to be a mad rush for clothes. I mean hey, I'm a girl, it's okay. No matter what I pick out the night before, something seems more appealing in the morning or I just look like a whale with pale skin when I put it on and look in the mirror. So I rip through my wardrobe sweeping aside mass amounts of silk, and soft sweaters, and crisp jcrew button downs onto my papasan chair where arnold sits... yes Arnold is in fact the dog. Arnold is not a dog, Arnold is the dog, but that's for another day.

So, now that i have an hour until work and half of my wardrobe on my papasan chair I decided to sit down and write about something I think maybe be of immediate importance in this world, right this very minute.

Okay, get this. If you go on a "stumble" spree you may run across many social sites that connect you with either a bunch of people or one single person sitting somewhere else in the world. The first time I stumbled on one, I hesitantly pushed the "start" button, wondering if a sex offender was sitting on the other side. Well, in fact, he might have been. But after a few tries I began to get more comfortable, I was able to sit down and say hello without getting nervous... okay well I still got a little nervous, but that's just me. Now, after talking to many great people on there with similar view points and ideas or completely different views and ideas I realized something. I have absolutely no clue what is right or wrong for anyone, because no matter what, no one else knows what is truly right or wrong for me. So I stopped judging the people sitting on the other side of the screen asking for nude pictures, and just let them be. I didn't have to partake, but I didn't have to be rude and say awful things to them either. I just let them be.

I try not to judge people, I try not to gossip, I try to be a good person, but sometimes I think back on things I've said and realize I was being a complete closed minded idiot. Does that ever happen to you? I mean even small comments or snickers that I think, man I wish those words wouldn't have come out of my mouth. I've realized that when people do things we may not love, that doesn't mean they made a bad choice or a wrong choice, just different. And the great thing is, different choices are what make it so completely interesting to meet new people.

Meeting someone who is exactly like you, who thinks like you, likes the same things, wants the same things, gets so very old so very fast. It's the differences in people that make conversation exciting, that make sharing new experiences exciting. So we need to celebrate our differences, even in the little things.

I just needed to remind myself of that and thought I would write it down to share. Let's embrace our different choices, whether we all agree with them or not.

P.S.- This is no way condones the choices such as taking someone's rights or basic human rights away. That's a whole other can of worms that can't be opened without shooting myself in the foot.

Why we all live

2010-01-24T18:57:00.000-08:00

Love.

Love is why I live. Love, for that matter, is why we all live.

Now, I am not a crazy romantic, I never have been. I don't find myself watching Pride and Prejudice and crying every weekend, not that I do not love that movie. Every self respecting woman loves a good Jane Austen novel turned into a movie, it's just part of our genes. Not only do we get to swoon over the words of Mr. Darcy but we get to see his hot bod walk across screen while he yearns for his love. Ah, Mr. Darcy is the perfect man... Okay that is beside the point, moving on.

The facts are, life is not complete without love. I of course love musicals, and dresses, and sundays reading fashion magazines, but of course what I love above my strange obsessions or passions, are the people in my life. Love for a friend, love for family, or the ultimate, love for your partner are the most important loves we have.

I am lucky enough to be 19 and know what love feels like. I know some people may call me a silly girl, say I'm to young to feel love, but I do. I know what it feels like in best friends and in boyfriends. I am truly lucky to have found love in the perfect boy and the perfect best friends.

When being in love it's important to let the other person know how you feel. Not with flowers, or expensive gifts, but with truth and honesty. And lately, I've really realized how important knowing that your love is reciprocated is.

This is why.... well, from my perspective this is why.

There is a point when dating someone that the honey moon period goes away. The point where you feel like you are no longer swooned over. The point where you stop having people tell you, " oh he is so smitten with you"... and it feels like utter crap. The excitement goes and you feel doubtful that people still feel the same way about you, when it's 3 am at least. Yeah, 3 am is about right, the time when our brains turn to mush and we let our minds take flight. But being in a long distance relationship magnifies that. Not only are you no longer swooned over, but you are no longer getting calls all the time, no longer getting "I miss you's" all the time and just no longer getting the attention everyone in love craves. And when you are in a long distance relationship, you already get less attention than the average couples give each other. And let's face it, living in the same country or different countries, we all crave love.

It's truly important that people know we still love them, because love is what we live for. Love is what I live for. I love the people around me, and I want them to know. I never want someone to feel the way I do lately, I want people to know how important they are to me everyday. Because it is important they know, actually it's so important they know.

So just so you know, I am still utterly in love with you. I am still completely smitten with you everyday. I still think you are the perfect man for me. I still am in awe of how handsome you are, even when I pout about your facial hair. I still get giddy when I think about you and get a goofy grin when you smile at me or kiss me. And I still can't wait for what's to come with you, you are just about the only thing in my life so far that I've had the patience for. It's important to me that you know that I still love you, and even if our honeymoon period is over, I'm still weak at the knees for you. It's important you know that.

Love is not only why I live, it's why we all live... so let's show people that. I have just come to this conclusion, and I think it's one of the most important things I've thought of.

Let's love and be loved my friends. : )

Jealousy.

2010-01-12T11:21:00.000-08:00

It pumps in our veins. It turns our minds to radical conclusions. It infuriates our eyes. It wrinkles our tainted skin.

It is not rational.

Jealousy is not based on rational thinking. We all have the jealousy bug and it can pop up to bite us at any time. It will burrow in us, until the ideal moment, to make us miserable. The problem is, like any strong emotion, we can let jealousy do nasty things to use and let it run rampant through our minds. We throw rational out the window and decide to let thoughts of master planned lies take over our minds and often consume our bodies.

Just a while ago, I let my body become enveloped in overly active tear-ducts, trembles, and moans of helplessness. Just by viewing pictures that really had no meaning, the bug bit me...in the ass. It wasn't logical, it wasn't based on reason, it was entirely myself being controlled by a toxic emotion.

So how do we not let jealousy turn us into suspicious idiots when it bites? We talk it out. Again, being honest about our feelings is the only way we keep ourselves from harvesting resentment in our souls only to be watered every time the bug comes back... and it will. No matter how utterly lame we feel, jealousy should be discussesd, not held inside.

Instead of fb stalking our jealous emotions relentlessly- looking for more proof to make us miserable- just talk it out. It worked for me.

Adultation.

2009-12-18T15:21:00.001-08:00

Much like deformation, adultation is something that we don't understand until the process begins. We pray in 4th grade that we will one day develop the body all the goddess twenty year olds in their mini skirts have with teased hair and red nails, then we reach that age and hate our curves while we straighten our hair. We hope that when we are finally allowed to drive our own cars that we will get to drive around with our hair down singing Britney songs with fresh lip gloss on our lips, then we get stranded on a highway with a flat tire or run out of gas in the middle of the desert. Everything seems so damn glamorous... until adultation begins.

Adultation, mutation, deformation, they are all similar. They are all changes that we shouldn't have to go through in life... but all of us have to go through adultation... not a choice folks. Adultation is when we start deciding to make choices literally on our own, whether they upset people or not. That means, maybe it was okay to switch a grade from a D to an A ( as seen on every sitcom, such as Full House), but when you are older, it's not as cute. We get to choose when honesty is important, when being on our own is important, when needing people is okay, when realizing our flaws is okay, when accepting that we have issues we need to work through is okay, and realizing that at the end of the day... it's okay! We have to be able to laugh at adultation while we take it seriously.

We may become "dependents" for the first time or finally learn a lesson after a pattern of failures, but either way as real as the choices are.... we have got to notice not how "small" everything in the big scheme is. But that everything we do is going to affect us, so we might as well embrace it, and laugh, and learn, and move on! I hate that saying... "it's really not that big of a deal in the whole scheme"... because these choices are, and every choice is a very big deal.

Everything in adultation affects us, so here I go, I am plunging into the depths of being an "adult"( how taboo is that word?). I am undergoing adultation, it's painful, but I'm going to get through it, because I know the way to survive.

Experience, Learning, and loving- the only ways to make it out of adultation alive.

Jesus, and Buddah, and Allah, oh my!

2009-12-12T23:55:00.000-08:00

When ever the holidays come around people tend to start singing songs about Jesus. Not only do they start singing songs about Jesus, but they start praising Jesus...out of the blue. I know I do it, as moronic as that makes me. I love some of the Christmas songs, but come on... just because I am in the mood to watch "The Little Drummer Boy" is it really time for me to start praising something I don't believe in?

Let me over think for a second here...

Now, I have read my fair share of the Bible, and I think it is a great literary work. I think it's something everyone should read- because it's the number one alluded to book in the world- not because I believe Jesus turned water to wine. I know there are records of Jesus and blah... blah... I get it. I am not saying these people didn't exist. But here is my argument:

For example ever read The Epic of Gilgamesh? Yeah, well it's the exact creation story in the Bible... written way before the Bible during Sumerian times! So how is it that the Bible has claims to this story? Why is the story a Biblical story... because at first it wasn't. The facts are, the stories in the Bible are just like fairy tales. They are stories that come in many shapes and sizes with the same over all messages in almost every culture, just like all the fairy tales we grow up with. They are lovely, and well written, and magical, and sometimes inspirational, but they are just that- well, to me they are just that. But here is my argument to my own argument:

If these stories have been told over continents and time... maybe they are real? Maybe the stories are legitimate they have just been tweaked because of the different points of views and cultures that documented them... maybe right? Who am I to say these stories aren't based on truth?

I guess the facts are, it all really boils down to faith. Whether a person wants to put faith in these stories or the ideas of them. That's what religion is, faith. It isn't facts and it isn't stories and it isn't the people who run the church or monastery or whatever Holy house of worship- it's the people who decided to look to the East at the same time everyday, the people who confess their sins to God, the people who take an epic journey to Mecca; it's the people who put their entire beings into their faith. And while of course that causes turmoil in our world, it is a beautiful thing in the end. To choose to believe in the power of something, it's simply wonderful.

If we can believe in "love" as a power, or "fear" why can't we believe in "God" as a power or "Buddah" or "Allah"( Yes I know I am not supposed to say his name, just bear with me- I hope I didn't offend anyone) they are all just words aren't they? Okay, I'll get into the power of words in another post, but you get my point, the words don't mean as much as the value in this situation. So in the end, what I think of someone's religion should bear no weight on how that person views their own religion.

I believe faith to be one of the most personal things, be it faith in the stock market, faith in religion, or faith in love. All in all, we put ourselves into different things, and what we choose to put our faith in, is up to us. So sing your christmas carols and enjoy the stories, and take them for what they are. But, choose your faith and let it have a positive influence on your life.

Tarab.

2009-12-04T02:13:00.001-08:00

Right, so I stated in one of my earlier posts that there is a reason that I relate just about everything in life to musicals. The reason is that musicals have been my life, I have lived in musicals.

The reason I am or was so passionate about performing goes far beyond the lyrics of Rodgers and Hammerstein. I have been in love with singing for my entire life, I did it before I talked, I love music. Now I know, as I sit here speaking on musicals and singing I sound as cliche and as dimensional as the 13 year olds rushing to see Twilight for their 50th time this week. But really, I love music. After I had been involved in music since age 3 I began dancing and acting as well. It's a package really, you sing, you dance, you act, you look like your character type, you get perfect head shots, you make connections, and you say the right things to the right people. If all these things don't fall into place... with a bit of luck and good timing I might add... then you have a worthless performance degree and a one room flat in New York wasting away at your bank account while you work at starbucks...and maybe a few youtube videos that got some viewers! Ah, the life of a performer.

That was the life I craved, from day one. I was made for that life, I put performing above just about everything. I did show after show, year after year. I finally went to university amped about the fact that I had made it into one of the top musical theatre programs in the country... with one of the best vocal instructors around. This was it, my real career was starting, I craved this life, I needed this life.

WRONG. I didn't want it, and I don't want it. I mean, I want to perform, I will always want to perform, but I don't want the lifestyle that goes along with it. I want to travel and explore and learn and write...not hostess at a singing restuarant and spend all day in dance calls dressed in head to toe spandex with girls who have the exact same abilities I have. Well don't get me wrong... I do love a good leotard and tights and leg warmers outfit topped off with black t-strap character heels!

What made me change my mind was the fact that, I love far to many things to devote my life to JUST performing! I wanted to keep learning, I still want to keep learning... and with musical theatre all I ever learned about was music, and theatre, and dance. Well, that's about all I could focus on, and it was all I needed to know, but I want to know more. Changes- changes were necessary.

But here is why I love performing... here is the truth of it all.

As I walk on stage left from behind the thick black curtains, with my perfectly curled hair, bright cheeks, and red lips...I have turned into the ingenue. I can feel the harsh lights warming my skin in a way that feels almost toxic, yet pleasurable. I know that all eyes are on me, but I can't see those eyes, causing mystery. I know that there are hundreds of people waiting for me to say my line... but I keep them on edge as I glide into the center of the stage soaking in the heat of it all eyeing my cast members with naivety and innocence. But I am not on stage to say a line, I am onstage to convey human emotions.

The thing that makes theatre so real, is that beyond the suspension of reality, every person in that audience can understand what I am going through. No matter the situation I am playing to, I am relating to an entire audience of people through human emotion... connecting us all for a moment in time.

That is the most beautiful thing in this world I think, when a room full of people from different backgrounds, different places, different ages, different everything, can connect through human emotion and feel for another being the way we feel for ourselves. I can feel for the audience and they can feel for me... we are connected and they don't even know it. That is why I perform, because I love the feeling of connection I get... the tarab, if you will.

I have never bought into the idea that an actor "becomes" someone else, because I don't. There is always a part of myself in my character, whatever character that may be. Because I am a human just like my character, and I want to relate to my character just as the audience wants to relate to my character and me. There will always be myself in my character- that's how my character becomes a real breathing human being with thoughts and a past and a future.

So that is why I relate everything to musicals, performing has been my life, and it will always be part of my life. I can't let go of that feeling, and I hope this helps you all understand musical theatre or any kind of art or performing art in a different way. It's not just about kick lines and sparkly dresses or color combinations- it's so much more.

Katie on Lovely Love.

2009-12-01T23:19:00.000-08:00

Love. It's true I love far to many things in life. But for a second I want to concentrate on that sweaty palmed, racing heart, rosy cheeked love.

This past week I got to spend with my love. The english man himself crossed the atlantic and spent american thanksgiving with me and my family. Although I know I'll be over in the Uk with him in 3 weeks, I can't help but feel this sort of emptiness when he leaves. As the day went on, I just felt kind of torn between tired and glad to see friends and uncomfortable with being alone again and sad. It's a very odd feeling( please forgive how disgustingly mushy I sound.)

But what is it about love that is so wonderful and can quench our desires yet can leave us feeling so thirsty for more when it's gone? Why am I... the girl who never falls deep... finding myself trudging in swamps of knee-high romance? How do I define this intangible thing... how do I define what I'm feeling?

Have you ever looked up a definition of love? It's absolutely ridiculous and leaves a person feeling like who ever wrote these definitions is full of bull shit and roses at the same time. There are all these giant metaphors and colossal descriptions of Love that only describe smiles and things that seem so fake and unrealistic. But love is undefinable, it's too many things, to too many people to have a definition.

Love is different for everyone in their own relationship. For me love is the fact that we make long distance work, love is the fact that he hates musicals and yet is willing to go with me, love is the fact that I never want to leave his side yet I am willing to spend months apart because I know the future will be better, love is the fact that he calls me a window licker and I don't get offended, love is the fact that he makes me laugh... a lot, love is the fact that he doesn't mind that I say stupid things and act like a nut job sometimes, love is the fact that I am not bothered at how big of nerd he actually is on the inside, love is the fact that I make up words to songs on the radio and he rolls his eyes at me but just lets me blissfully sing, love is the fact that he knows my flaws... yet loves me.

Love to me, with him, is a lot of things... but definable is not one of those things. I don't understand why we feel the need to define love.

Here is the thing, we don't need a definition to tell us if we are in love or not, we just need to open ourselves up to people and trust what we feel. We can fall in love with many people in our long lives, but to find two people who are in deep with each other and understand each other and want to make it work... that's the ultimate. And that's lovely.

Snuggle up to your self!

2009-11-21T04:44:00.000-08:00

If you live inside the continental United States, or have walked into a walgreens/walmart/any other awful chain store- you have definitely heard of... The Snuggie.

It's epic. It's one of those things that VH1 is going to talk about on an "I love the 2000's" segment in years to come... something we can all look back on and say "yeah! That was so 2009!LOL"( Oh dear, I hope I never utter the letters l-o-l, that would be a sad sad day in Katie's world!) Anyways, The Snuggie comes in colors, it comes in sizes from adult to children to dog... but most importantly... it's got the most ridiculous and sugary sweet commercials to happen here in the good ol' USA since the Welch's grape juice kid. These commercials even top the babies sitting in the high chairs giving out insurance advice, or the rubbish "bump its" commercials for plastic pieces that girls can put in their hair to get that ever so lovely stiff and bumped look on their head... because we all want to look as though there is a growth or a tumor poking out of our skull, it's a sign of beauty at Arizona State University, that's for darned sure! Yes, as more snuggies come out, more ridiculous over the top commercials come out to promote The Snuggie! Snuggie has found a way to really sell it's product, it has embraced this goofy and stupid idea of wearing a bath robe backwards. People buy them just because of how silly they are! What a great way to make money!

How smart was Snuggie( I'm going to talk as if Snuggie is a person), Snuggie worked what he got! And that is when I realized. We should all work what we've got going for us... even snuggie!

I'll be the first to admit I'll never be the sexy and sultry woman who rocks her black jimmy choos with red leather soles... I am forever doomed to be the short cutesy 19 year old with a braid pinned back into waves and dresses and flowers and lace socks and red pea coats! But don't worry, I am turning that frown upside down! Let me tell you the advantages I have in life, that I work.

The puppy dog eyes... yeah they work well in a multitude of situations and can solve my worst problems. Hiding in small places... useful if someone is after me or I just don't want to be found And the fact that I will look young probably for forever is probably the best advantage! I mean, I've got youth on my side! Proof,that we all can work what we've got, if I can! So what do you have going on your side? See the positives in who you are!

Let's learn to be satisfied with what or who we are! There is no use for me to sit around and contemplate wearing a black leather mini with stilettos. I quite like my plaid mini dresses anyways! I am content with who I am, and like snuggie I am going to sell who I am to the world. Let's do it together wonderful people.

Let's snuggle up to who we are... instead of a backwards robe sold for 20 bucks.

Don't nobody bring me, no bad news!

2009-11-19T15:34:00.000-08:00

Yep, you guessed it, today was shit. So shitty in fact that my title just alluded to The Wiz...that's a pretty bad day.

Now let's get one thing straight first off, I am a happy person. And I don't let things get to me, I mean, why would I? When circumstances arise that are beyond your control, why let them ruin your day? Life is far to short for that, and far to exciting! But today was not so good, I mean let the bad times roll type day.

Now again, I am not sitting here wailing and spoon feeding myself nutella or anything, I am just frustrated, and anymore bad news would really make me seriously consider ripping this desktop dell in front of me out of it's cord and hurling it across this room of crappy dell computers into all the girls who managed to look real cute today sitting near me, while I managed to look like a homeless person who rolled out of bed...or a cardboard box. Okay, bad idea, I really don't need two broken computers in my life right now, I can't even afford one.

Days like these are not meant to be spent trying to accomplish the pile of anthropology homework in front of me, they are meant to be spent in bed- hoping that tomorrow will come faster than the bill from the broken computer while hiding myself from the big bad world under my down comforter and wrapping my body around my body pillow.

So what can we do on days like these other than wish that our computers aren't broken, our rooms aren't messy, exams aren't coming up, and our bank account isn't declining at a noteworthy pace? Well, I'll tell you! We forget about it, and go do something absolutely goofy or ridiculous...because why waste a day wallowing! I am done being a grouch...it's taking to much energy from me!

The best thing about life, is that we get to choose to be happy! Even on days when my macbook is broken, therefore causing the only communication I have with some important people to be ruined, I can choose to be happy! So for all of you out there having days just about as miserable as me, snap out of it!

We are only going to be happy if we choose it, so choose it already! Things will always go wrong in life! Now, I am not going to use the phrase... "things could always be worse" right here for two reasons. 1. When that is said, things do get worse. 2. Because what is happening to someone else is completely irrelevant to what someone else is feeling when something happens to them. The situations can't be compared...nor should they be!

So come on lovelies, let's be happy. : )

P.S.- Who in the world made dells so hard to use?

War & Vegetarianism.

2009-11-18T09:23:00.000-08:00

Hunting is, after all, a form of war; at least I would think so if I were an animal .- Judith Koll Healey

As I laid in bed, beginning to doze off under my snug and toasty comforters surrounded by my eclectic variety of smooth and soft pillows I read the statement up above, and immediately became attentive. Okay, this quote really has nothing to do with the book- nor does it actually have any relevance other than the fact that I immediately thought to myself... Yeah! Good point historical fiction novel!

When I answer the ever popular question of... "why in the world do you not eat meat... are you insane?" I like to give the person who is scowling at me a big ol' smile and say... "well why do you eat meat?" I then go into a short and well performed informative speech on how I am absolutely not a crazy PETA protester( however amusing they may be), but I do think gnawing on flesh and fat is absolutely disgusting. The person then makes a grimace at me completely put off by my word choices of gnawing & flesh and I think to myself... yeah that grimace is how I feel when I see you taking a chunk out of animal carcass!

Now, I am a firm believer in every man for himself, as long as it isn't having a negative affect on those around you. So, if you eat meat, I am not going to start yelling at you nor debating the fact that meat gives protein and iron and it's part of the circle of life and blah, blah, blah... But, I will just say now, I run every day and work out and lead a very active life... and I do it all without meat! And, no I am not wonder woman, well maybe I am but that's beside the point, tons and tons of people lead incredibly active and healthy lives without eating meat! That's pretty exciting- it can be done!

The trick is, to go into vegetarianism full heartily and just jump in. I was on and off for a while before I actually got the hang of it, so just do it already!

Here are my tips and tricks for those of you out there who want to stop waging war on animals...

1. Take an iron tablet- no questions asked...just do it. Lack of iron in your blood can cause serious problems so yeah, take an iron supplement!

2. Calcium is extremely important, and the more of it you have... the more your body absorbs iron! Eating things like spinach( yum), broccoli (yummiest), and even sun flower seeds will give you more calcium in your diet! Fantastica!

3. Don't live off of protein powder and protein bars... while they do play a huge part in my diet... you also need more natural forms of protein... tofu, soy milk, soy beans (edamame), and if you eat eggs those are a great source of protein as well, soy cheese/ real cheese ( depending on the kind of veg head you are), beans, & peanut butter/ soynut butter! Just make sure you get some natural protein!

4. Take vitamins... again do it! This is not only because you are a vegetarian, but because vitamins are an amazing thing my friends and will keep you healthy and happy. : )

These are just some basic tips... but they are ones that I have learned from experience are extremely important.

Just remember... the animal you are eating does in fact come from a family of animals... and they do in fact have a nerve system so they feel pain. Now, I know all of you are going to hate me for this statement, but think about your pet... be it dog or cat or chinchilla or who knows what... imagine it playing with you, imagine the bad mood you can tell it's in, or when it's sick and lays on the floor just waiting for you to rub it's stomach...now imagine killing it and eating it. That's what eating meat is. It does not matter what animal it is... you are killing a living, breathing, feeling animal.

Vegetarianism doesn't just give you a clean consciousness of knowing that you aren't killing your dog, but it's healthy! Stop eating fat and flesh, and join me in a lifestyle of health and a clear mind!

What a first hand encounter of abuse has taught me.

2009-11-17T03:09:00.000-08:00

I want you all to meet someone who used to be a very big part of my life. I also ask that everyone has a moment of silence for her, as her body is laying in a graveyard of solemn left overs and poorly made choices to go when they should have stopped. A moment of silence for my love.

I need to introduce you to Louetta the Jetta.

On my 16th birthday in Virginia, I found this small black car with a gold racer stripe taking a nap in my cold concrete garage- with a big red bow I might add. I remember the first time I revved her engine... mostly because I sat down in the car and I remember this boy Ryan yelling at me to rev her engine... to which I asked, "how?" Ah I was one smart 16 year old! But either way, I remember the feeling of putting my narrow foot onto her pedal and rocking her world. Once I revved that girl's engine, we hit it off. : )

We were so close, she taught me how to park, get a diet cherry vanilla coke from sonic(aka heaven), roll my window down and blast the music, strategically make the person in the car next to me feel awkward at a stop light, make turns, pick up boys, use highway ramps, play car games, do chinese fire drills, all the normal things a 16 year old girl in America should do. But the thing is... that love was equally matched in hate. Louetta and I abused each other.

When I drove Louetta across country from the east coast to Arizona she was not very pleased. It turns out she really didn't want to survive in the Valley of Dante's inferno... oh excuse me... the valley of the sun. She did not want to put up with 115 degree heat... so she abused me. Things started to happen in our relationship- it got ugly. She decided to shatter her own window, so i starved her of gas... the screws fell out of the door forcing me to drive around with a taped door and climb in through the passenger's seat, so i starved her of gas... she decided that her "check engine" light would be on at a constant rate, so I starved her of gas... she decided that the glue that held the lock of my door in place would melt in the heat so that the lock actually fell out of the car into my hand making it literally impossible for me to get in the car, so I starved her of gas. I did the only thing I knew how to do- I punished her by not feeding her. Well that in turn created a hole in some thing-a-bob in the shmer-mher under the car hood... I am not going to pretend like I knew what the mechanic was saying... I just nod and smile. So one lesson of the day is... yes you can drive a Jetta with the gas light on for 30 miles, but it's pushing it to go further than that. Louetta abused me and I abused her.

But in the end, she saw a tragic death that I was not there to witness actually... and it was very unexpected. I'm glad I wasn't there to see it because watching someone t-bone my precious vw would have broken my heart... just as having to go see her at the graveyard to get music scores out of my trunk broke my heart. RIP Louetta the Jetta: we abused each other, but we loved each other.

Now the reason I just described to you a tragedy from my past is because if Louetta was a person I would have regretted not feeding her... especially when I wasn't there to say goodbye to her. This isn't about a car folks, this is about not appreciating what we have. I had no idea on that day that she was going to have her life taken from her... I took advantage of her so often. We can not take advantage of the people in our lives, even if it's unintentional. And more importantly- we must always thank them for being in our lives! Lately I have just felt the need to let everyone I know around me how grateful I am for them, because I know that my life is headed in new directions as I am growing up, and I have no idea where I will be ever again! So I want to take the time while I am near them, to thank them.

I want to take a moment to thank everyone who has affected me in my life and I think you should as well. Because the facts are, we all have to go sometime, but we never know when that will be. Okay, that took a morbid turn, but honestly! So let's not take advantage, let's love and be thankful to those around us with an open heart every day!

I want to thank you, who ever you are, for listening to me ramble on in an attempt to make a metaphor out of my car. : )

Crafty- with art and other things

2009-11-16T17:17:00.000-08:00

( Yep, I am absolutely pretending to be a vampire here at a film festival...)

One of the saddest stories I ever heard was when Callum told me he stopped having stockings last year for Christmas... seriously, my heart feels for this situation. I can not imagine a stockingless Christmas- not because I am all about the gifts... but because Christmas morning to come down the stairs and see my stocking gracefully laying with my named perfectly stitched in gold letters is a feeling that trumps most of the other feelings I have.... it's that intense.

So this year, I promised Callum he would not have a stockingless Christmas- so I am currently making a stocking for a 20 year old boy, really my life is hilarious sometimes! Anyways, I have been trying to be very crafty about this stocking- making it better than your average ho-hum or the over done glitzy stockings that looks like christmas threw up all over it in glitter. I am really trying to avoid both of those situations. Just call me Crafty Katie- I think it's fitting!

Ironically enough when I told Callum I was being crafty he replied with... "arts and crafty or crafty like a fox?" After I muttered to him something about me being arts and crafty and he told me how cunning he was like a fox ( just call him cocky callum...kidding =] )I really began to think about what it means to be crafty.

I'm not talking crafty as in a bunch of 30 year old pregnant women sitting around scrap booking about their marriages... woah stereotyping.... but seriously. I am talking prime time crafty. I am talking CIA , long black trench coats, Sun Tzu Art of War crafty. That is crafty.

Now, I have had my fair share of crafty times before, but these happen to not be my shining moment I'd imagine. And although some days being devious and wearing leather and black eye liner and being mysterious and crafty sound rather appealing and alluring... I am far from crafty. Which is A okay with me!

Why is it that we all have this seductive draw to dark, mysterious, cunningly artful crafters. I mean, that idea sounds so...hot. But in reality, being crafty is being cunningly artful at lying and giving out false ideas... not so hot. We are drawn to this idea that is actually not a very becoming trait if you want to actually have a connection with that person.

I think what may be the true allure though, is the idea that we could be the one to finally tame the cunning... that just one lock of the eyes and the crafty, mysterious, tall, dark, and handsome with eyes as deep and tortured as his past turns honest just for us! How romantic! I think it's not that we actually want to be with a crafty and skilled deceiver...but we want to be able to turn that person into mush and daisies( which I also love by the way) with one glance in his direction.

I think this is why books such as Twilight are so popular... not because the author is a brilliant writer or sheds truth on something... no it's the idea that this girl turned a vampire ( tortured soul) into her lover. Plain and simple... we feel powerful when we tame someone. It's the epic good girl turns bad boy good scenario... and it is so romantic and dreamy... in thought.

In real life, the tortured soul is not going to feel peachy keen on anyone who just gives him a glance of longing...in fact he will have the upper hand in this situation! He can be crafty and use this person- playing to their weakness. Because that is what the crafty one does... he uses his lies for control and the upper hand.

So in conclusion... I no longer want to be crafty like a fox! I will be very satisfied being little cute Katie who gets overly excited about everything and spends her days singing everywhere she goes. I prefer to be arts and crafty! Ah, a toast.

To not being crafty! Here, Here!

The good and the complicated.

2009-11-13T20:18:00.000-08:00

Well today was one of those days where it not only looked dreary outside my window but in fact it was dreary outside my window. The clouds were white with darkened grey bottoms filling the sky so that my awe filled view of the mountains was completely non existent. I had to literally tear myself out of my bed, the idea of staying under my down comforter was gripping my heart. Why, oh why do I have to go to classes on days like this? So, as I ran into my shower and got out I decided it was time to take the day into my own hands. Yes that's right, the dreary weather does not control my day, I do!

So I put on my tights, my blue plaid dress with a bow in front, and my red peacoat. Out I went ready to take my day by storm! Well it felt worse outside than it looked from my bed, my 3 minute walk to class was consumed by wind and sleet, a runny nose, red cheeks, and the thought that winter is finally here to stay... aka I am going to be as pale as the snow on the grounds very soon... lovely... But besides that- I have a lot on my mind other than my white skin, fading summer freckles, icy rain, and exams coming up.

The Good:

Callum makes the trek from Manchester to Arizona in 11 days. I am so glad, I am so ready. American Thanksgiving is brilliant and having an englishman here to share the American holiday with me makes it all the better! It is going to be an eventful thanksgiving as well... to say the very least.

Also, Christmas season is here, which does insane things to me. It's a known fact that I already sing and dance wherever I go during the day- but Christmas ups this to extreme levels...I'm talking so much singing and dancing that I am almost unbearable for people not in a fantastic mood! Yeah, that's a whole lot of crazy for one short 19 year old girl. I am already planning all the fantastic things I will be doing and all the fantastic gifts I will be giving!

I have also decided in an attempt to help out the earth this Christmas I will be using recycled materials for all my gift wrappings- creativity time to the max! I think that this will be not only a chance to get artistic but also to take small measures to be a better person on earth. Win & win for Katie. Anyone want to take the plunge with me?

By the way, I have such great news... my shin splints are getting better! This is cause for a huge celebration! I have found wrapping them to be comforting for about ten minutes of a run usually- then it all goes down hill. But I have been doing this pressure/ice/heat/ stretch combination that is really seeming to do the trick! This is big everyone, shin splints hurt like hell.

The complicated:

And on a different note- I have come into some new realization's lately about honesty. And my realization is that honesty may not always be the number one priority in life- but when you feel awful for not being honest, like something is pulling on your conscience- that probably means you should be honest in the situation. I try to be an honest person, I really do, but I will say that I have big emotional issues with being a disappointment of a child- as silly as that sounds, which can sometimes lead to a lack of honesty with my parents. As of late, I was tending to hide some big decisions I was making from my accepting parents which was the wrong way to handle the situation. I made excuses for myself and thought I was doing what was right, even though i felt something tugging at my brain saying... "katie, you are a complete hypocrite, just tell the truth already you son of a gypsy!" The truth of the matter was, I wasn't being honest with people who deserve sheer honesty from me.

But here is the hard part: when is complete honesty important? We don't want to tell our friends that they have gained too much weight, we don't want to tell our family member that their new hair cut makes them look like Billy Ray Cyrus, we don't want to tell our boyfriend that his new guitar song sounds like a dying coyote, when is real honesty important? I think for me- how I know when it is complete honesty I need- is when it actually feels wrong for me to not be honest. Now, I realize everyones moral compass points a different direction- but I know how mine works by this point in my life.

So my new rule- when for some reason I am feeling upset about not being completely honest- that is when it is time to pull out all the stops- and let honesty ring! Okay, that was a ridiculously dramatic crappy comparison to let freedom ring, but I imagine you get the point!

There it is, the good and the complicated. What's the good and complicated for you right now?

I hear that George has another woman...I'm not surprised!

2009-11-11T18:53:00.000-08:00

(Sunday In the Park With George is based off of the relationships that the character's in this painting have with George Seurat the painter. Celeste #2, the character I played is the young girl sitting down and holding flowers while looking down.)

Okay, I know that after reading this title the majority of you are wondering what I could be talking about and the other small percentage are humming along to that wonderful song! The title is an excerpt from the tune Gossip from the show Sunday In the Park With George.

Last spring I got the honor of playing Celeste #2 in the show( a role that I had far to much fun with... from having to orgasm on stage with a fishing pole to singing with a cardboard soldier... yeah I bet you are all rushing to look this up on youtube now, and you should!) and sang those lines with Celeste #1 as we sat on stage gossiping to our hearts content. Sometimes when I sit around listening to my friends gossip about someone I actually start singing this song in my head. As much of a lunatic as that makes me, I can't get that rhythm of banter out of my head It's mind blowing! It's a completely different sound when people gossip, honestly, listen sometime. The tone changes and the pace quickens and people get cautious and people get so emotionally worked up and it becomes unsettling for me and it feels just like a scene from a musical. Which, if you haven't realized by now, I tend to compare everything in my life to something from a musical or a musical in general, apologies! But the reason behind that is a story for another day.

Now, I am not trying to prove myself high and mighty because just like everyone in this world I am guilty of gossip of the petty and more serious variety. But I try very hard to stop myself and focus on the fact that their is a story behind what is happening, more than what we know.

For example, the other day I listened closely to a room full of girls talk about how one of their close friends was "insane." Their friend had been at fault many times definitely- she had rudely "hooked up" with boys that were interested in her other friends just because she craved that attention and the feeling of winning over others. I am in no way condoning what their friend did, but to me, as I sat there listening to the 45 minute conversation on this... that was only broke up because their friend happened to walk in... I felt so awful for this girl. Her closest friends were in a room wallowing in their frustration together instead of realizing that there was probably a reason why she was doing this beyond she is just "insane."

Whenever I see someone who does something a bit off or a bit extreme my mind immediately goes to frustration just as anyones does, I am not different than any other human. But, I then always think about that story behind it. There has to be a reason that people do what they do- we just never see that part. I think that if we all want to get along and be tolerant we have got to start realizing that their is always an action that has caused this reaction. There is always a background story that we don't know. And as humans we tend to make things about ourselves. In this situation the girls could have realized that this was actually a problem of the girls that needed to be worked on and figured out, instead of making the situation about the "suffering" they were going through by being her friend. Ugh, I get really frustrated sometimes at just how plain mean we can be to each others... friends or foes.

How abusrd that we can sit in a room judging someone for their fault instead of talking to them about what's wrong, or even realizing that something is wrong. That's what's really insane! We have to start realizing what is really the issue at hand if we are ever going to solve problems in this world. We can't be blind to everything else that is going on just because our feelings got hurt. And I know that is easier said than done, I know that it is hard, it is in no way a breeze for me to do. But the facts are- we have got to do it.

We have got to start caring for each other better and understand there is more than we know to every situation, because don't we want the courtesy of knowing that other's aren't gossiping about us? The Celeste's are fun characters to watch on stage and play on stage- but in real life- no one wants to be a Celeste... well except maybe the part where she gets to orgasm with a fishing rod... oh dear... I am completely kidding!

But how about it? How about we stop gossiping? I don't know about you, but I sure don't want to be Celeste in real life.

The girl in the blue silk dress

2009-11-10T00:21:00.000-08:00

I like to think that I am completely and utterly fantastic at everything. Yeah, I do like to think that, in my dreams. Sadly though, as a human, I am completely and utterly flawed in every aspect of the word. But, I am a person, and that's what makes us all so lovely and beautiful.

But I have this dress, this blue silk Anthropologie dress that when I put it on, I am convinced that I am fantastic at everything... yeah that's quite an affect for a dress. I mean it though, the world can not touch me when this dress is on- it solves all of my problems! Woah dramatic katie, I'll try and calm down. In the winter I love to wear soft silk with chunky knit sweaters and tights- it's the perfect contrast... which in turn makes me want to take walks outside in the freezing air( which isn't always as picturesque as it sounds seeing as I have asthma and sometimes can get to quite a cough when it's negative degrees and I am running around on top of a mountain 8,000 ft above sea level, just let me day dream please.) Oh my... I just reread that sentence, I am the biggest nerd west of the Mississippi... that's just not good.

Anyways, the point is, this dress I kind of see as my personality. It's soft yet crisp, it's not structured but loose and it moves with a flow, it's antique looking yet completely fresh and new, it's the color of a sky in the early mornings when everything around is settled and undisturbed- my favorite part of the day if I happen to be awake for it( which doesn't always fit into a university schedule of 3 am study crams)... this dress just screams Kaitlyn Anne- it just is me.

Now, I am aware that I sound just about like the biggest girly girl to grace this planet with her presence, but well, yeah sometimes I can be- and I love it! Although I am ultra sweaty at the gym or out running, and I would rather be hiking than doing just about anything else, wearing dresses everyday puts me in a better mood and I have just learned to accept that fact about myself. But this dress is even more special than that. This dress makes the world spin round for me, it isn't "lucky" nor do I believe it has magical super powers...but really my blue silk dress is just me.

I imagine I can't be the only person who has something that makes them feel amazing, I mean don't get me wrong, I am not saying I treasure a dress over people or my relationships with those around me, but somedays- I just can't go wrong with this dress where as with people I can. It's a constant in a world of mass chaos. Maybe that's it, maybe it is the fact that this dress never disappoints... even on the days when I find myself a disappointment and can't get things right.

So do you have something like my blue silk dress, I'd like to think most people do? My blue silk dress makes me day dream, it makes me smile,it makes me passionate, it makes me in awe of beauty around me, it mirrors my personality, it makes me playful, it makes me content, it's the power of my perfect dress.

I am the girl in the blue silk dress today, it's going to be a day filled with awe. Today is going to be dreamy. : )

P.S.- There is snow supposedly Friday, perfect end to a week? I believe so, I do believe so.

I'm Just Kidding...no, but seriously...

2009-11-09T19:38:00.000-08:00

How many of you have ever said something slightly offensive and rude( yet true in your mind) only to follow it with "I'm just kidding"! The room bursts into laughter, the person your speaking to chuckles, you chuckle...but in reality... what you said was sort of mean... and you sort of weren't kidding. I really hope I am not the only one, I mean let's face it, sometimes we say offensive things.

Now first off let me preface this with the fact that I don't really get offended easily because I try not to take things in life to seriously, there is just no time for that! And I'll also admit that sometimes I forget to filter what I am saying, which is probably because my attention span is that of a 3 year olds. But I will say, that I am trying to consciously catch myself from pulling the "just kidding" card lately, since I realized I have done it often in life. How often do you give that phrase as a way of getting away with saying something rude? How often do you use "just kidding" as a scape goat?

Sometimes I think we feel the need to spill out a joke of harsh nature either just for attention, we are feeling bad on ourselves that day, or we simply just aren't thinking about what we are saying and things on our mind come out. But either way, we shouldn't be able to easily be obnoxious just because we follow it up with "just kidding!" I mean, honestly! We can not make ourselves feel less guilty just because we said two silly words! I think to really solve this problem, we need to learn to handle the truth better in life and move on.

We are always going to be put off by the way some people act, by their habits, by their attitudes, by whatever it may be but we need to learn to not just keep it bottled in. Now, we also don't need to go crazy on someone and explain everything we dislike about them. The real solution lies in acceptance. We need to accept that people are going to rub us the wrong way and what not-simply because we are all people. We all get on each other's nerves.... c'est la vie everyone! We need to learn to accept this and not hold onto these little peeves and then let them come out in a "joke."

Let's accept that we are all people, and not say awful things that we turn into jokes... because in reality it is a bit immature...and I don't mean that in the fun immature way where we all like to act like children now and again....but that oh wow he needs to grow up already kind of way. Although let me also say I am in no way against friendly banter and laughs at all, I love to laugh and be immature now and again! Let's just not sort out truths in our heads in the form of a joke!

I myself am going to consciously stop using the "just kidding" phrase, join me?

The 4th kind... of nonsense.

2009-11-08T23:48:00.000-08:00

( Apparently Sedona, AZ has Alien problems as well... actually the man who owns this store is really amazing, and when I started talking with him he showed me off the map "vortexes", hiking places, and swimming holes, that aren't full of tourists! Shout out to him for marking up my map with really natural and unique spots that I love to go to of the beaten path.)

So tonight we all decided to go see The 4th Kind... the new thriller movie that is supposedly based on a true story. Right- so ever since the blair witch project everyone has been trying to create these "real" footage movies, and they just always end up being a complete bust. I thought Paranormal Activity was awful, just awful and I wasn't scared a bit! When I pay 7 $ to see a movie late a night, I want to be nervously alarmed all night and sleeping in a bed with multiple people in my situation... let's be honest here... it's a thrill high! Well this movie was in fact brilliant!

I really enjoyed it, and while I was watching it I definitely did my ritual of covering my ears while closing my eyes and trying to grasp the hand of the person next to me whilst curled up in my chair...I was well... scared. I was thoroughly satisfied walking out at midnight from my movie, all of us girls freaking each other out more and laughing at the same time just general silliness going on. So we came back to the dorms where we are all sleeping because...no way was I sleeping in my bed alone in my own room right? Well, on my thrill high I of course wanted to look up just how much of this story was legitimately based on a true story. Which of course led to...disappointment as it always does.

The "doctor" whose accounts this story is based on, who took the "real" footage...she doesn't exist. The website you will find her on is not a legitimate medical website and there is no home page or contact information... it has been proven a ploy to get people to go see the movie. AWESOME....in the words of Borat...not. Not that I have ever believed in aliens... but I mean... I was open to the idea of it tonight! What a shame hollywood!

But, I imagine we really don't need to be bothered by things like aliens in this world... when we have humans doing these horrid things to each other on their own. From murders to abductions( of the human variety) people are killing themselves and creating their own unsolved crimes without the help of ET. So I suppose it's a good thing that we don't have to add aliens on top of that. In fact, I am pretty sure that is a really good thing.

I love horror films that are about these strange bizarre happenings because I know in the back of my mind that an alien isn't going to sneak into my room tonight, but twisted movies such as SAW don't scare me....they fucking terrify me. Excuse my profanity, but honestly- there is no other way to describe how afraid I am of just how strong humans are on their own- and just how twisted they can be. Now, I am in no way cynical and believe that we are all evil beings controlled by satan, but the facts are there are people out there with serious problems who are capable of seriously evil acts because of the free will we all have as a natural human right.

I don't let this fear control me, but when I watch films or footage on the news it affects me, it definitely affects me. I can in no way numb myself to the horrid things that go on around us in this world, but I can in no way let them control my views on people either. I may love a good horror film, but I will never love a gore film filled with human suffering and fear at it's worst... and I admire all those who can in a way. I try so hard to separate myself from what is going on in the film... but I can't seem to not feel what the character is feeling. Maybe it's because acting has played a role in my life( pun intended and noted) or maybe it's that I'm a softy- but I have a hard time not feeling for someone in a film. I know that I need to detach myself but in those twisted films- I can't.

SO moral of the night is... I know my limits. I know that I can enjoy a scary movie but I know that I can also not tolerate blood( which in it of itself I can not handle) and human horror. Also I am very glad we don't actually have to worry about aliens, because humans are quite enough. AND- go see the 4th kind- it was a pretty radical movie... just don't look up facts afterwords it will really kill your thrill high... enjoy the buzz. : )

Connection Time

2009-11-07T16:03:00.000-08:00

Even though this picture shows just how short I am( seriously look at how tall everyone looks next to me!), I will always love this picture. For quite a few reasons actually, this is one of the most memorable nights of my life just because it was all so spontaneous... which is exactly how I like to live. Also because I intensely love everyone in this picture, even TK who is completely oblivious in the back. And as well because Lindsay and I are trying to have that opened mouth sultry look... I think I possibly just look like a creeper...lovely! But beyond that, these girls have all affected my life in a different way and have played large roles in who I am today.

One of the best things about life is that we all get to meet so many people and if we let them, we can learn and be affected by everyone who comes into our life. I am lucky enough to have spent my life traveling and meeting so many new people, but everyone makes new acquaintances, loves, friends, enemies possibly, teachers, and much more in every new stage of their life. Whenever we make a change we get the chance to be affected by many more new people of all kinds! How incredible is that? I for one would like to learn and be shaped by each person who enters my life, and I try to be. I mean, why wouldn't I? Everyone has so much unique knowledge to give!

Think about how many people you come into contact with on a daily basis as well, how many different people sit next to you at work or in lectures that you make small talk with. You could have the chance to learn something new from these people if only you could open yourself up. If we could open ourselves up to people other than just our close friends couldn't we learn from everyone? I have always considered myself a pretty open person... I tend to tell my life story to loads of people in a day... which may in fact be completely self centered, but I want to learn about them as well! And I know that the more I open up to a person, the more they will usually open up to me. It just drives me insane that there are so many people in this world for us to connect with even on a daily basis where we are, that we don't take the opportunity too!

Whether it is out of fear of being judged, judging people ourselves, not being bothered, or any other reason- it really is simpler than we make it out to be, talking and opening ourselves to having new people be a part of our lives! So let's try, talk to that person you make eye contact with every morning when getting coffee, talk to the person who rides the same bus as you everyday, or even the drunken frat boy who sits next to you in lectures... we should all try and connect with even more people in our lives. Imagine the things we can learn! Let's do it, lets learn from each other. It's about time we all learned from each other more often.

Let's connect my friends.

The creation of a place called home

2009-11-06T01:18:00.000-08:00

Well in just a few hours I will be making the epic journey, the epic journey down the winding mountain roads mixed with pine trees and cactuses in a blue honda with my best friend( aka sister) to the valley of the sun( aka the valley of holy crap it's burning hot) while listening to a mix CD and our ridiculous banter on everything hilarious in life, to see my loving family and a musical. : ) Oh dear, that sentence is a run on at it's finest, but hey, that tends to be how I think and write... in run ons. Please don't suggest I read Faulkner because of this, oh please just don't.

Woah, I am just so excited right now... I can hardly contain myself! Home, I'm going home! Okay seriously, when did I become Dorothy in real life?

But I don't care, home, home sounds so... inviting! As we grow up our homes change, we go from dorms to apartments to new apartments to town houses to houses to who knows what. Home is ever changing. I imagine in my life my home is going to be a suitcase and the mass amounts of people I interact with all over the world, but that's just me. And that sounds far more fantastic than a white picket fence right now! But just for a second let's think about home in the matter we think of home when we are children. Bear with the nostalgia that is oozing out of every pore in my body right now.

Lately, I have wanted to go home so badly- I think I almost started needing home more than anything. I feel like I am at an age where I am going to start not being able to get home so easily- well home as in where the family I grew up with is- and that is a really odd thing to think about. I am so excited to create my own life...but that's it...childhood is now just a sight behind me in the distance and I know I can never back track to where it is. I'll never again run into my parents bed at 10 pm (and yeah that is the middle of the night when we are 8) because I am so scared of the dreams I am having. I'll never again get to stand next to my mom while she bakes, just barely looking over the edge of the counter while standing on a stool, waiting to get to lick the batter off the beater... please no short jokes- I'm 5'2" not a midget. I will never again get to sit and chat about everything with my dad while he shines his inky black military shoes for work in the morning. I can't go back in time....but I can look forward to all the new experiences to come.

It just feels almost as if soon I will become my own entity... my own separate entity from my parents and the life I have known. I mean I have always been an individual, but when we grow up and separate ourselves from what home has been for our whole life... it is a feeling that I can not describe with words on a page. And I in no way mean home as in the building where we grew up, because as you all know, I have spent my entire life traveling and moving with my family. Although, I understand that a building can have sentimental value to a family, I just don't know how that feels.

I feel like I need to take the opportunity to be at home as much as I can... while it is still my one home. I mean, truthfully, I know I will always be able to call it home, but it will never again be my home once I leave, it will be my families home. I have to create my own home. I have to not only form my own life but my own home( in every aspect that the word means to me.)

But for now, for this weekend, and the many to come, I am going to take advantage of my home before things change. Because that is all we can do... enjoy home... and then create home. And the good news is, creating is just as exciting as enjoying, if not more so! Well, maybe not more, it's just completely different.

I hope that everyone takes advantage of their home, before they create a new one. Because time flies and things change- and it's exciting and adventurous and it's right- but it's fast and it's never the same again.

We can't go back and relive our childhood, but we can look forward to the fact that we get to become the master creators of our own homes one day. Because it isn't so much building a home as it is so truly creating one. I am the painter, the sculptor, the musician, the writer, the graffiti artist, the actor, the dancer, and the general artist of my life- and I can't wait to create a home.

Suspending Reality

2009-11-04T23:31:00.000-08:00

In musical theatre we are taught to suspend reality- just as our audience will. I mean, you don't really stand facing out when talking to a person... you face them. And let's face it... tin cans don't actually come to life when they are fed oil... but when I played Dorothy, oh wow I did believe it!

But what about in real life? Do you often suspend reality? Do we all suspend reality on a daily basis?

The problem with answering these questions is that like I showed in my latest post... we all have different realities. So say you are an intuitive... and you end up being psychic as many intuitives seem to be... it isn't suspending reality for you to be able to see or do things that say the thinker may have to suspend reality to have a chance at believing in. Odd to think about right? What if things we see around us aren't always what they seem- what if we lived in a different reality and we were able to make sense of these things?

If we could consciously shift our realities, learn to actually put ourself in a new reality, could we be capable of new things?

I am unsure if you believe in ghosts, or psychics, or astrology, or God, or something beyond just molecules and their forms. But the truth is.... whether we believe in each of those things has to do with whether we are a feeling type, a thinking type, a sensation type, or a intuitive type- not if these things are real or not. Whether we believe in these things is solely based upon the reality we live in and not in anyway whether they are fact or fiction. If that is true- then if we can shift our reality- we can be capable of other things. If the thinker can become the feeler- maybe that person can believe in the power of Love and a god instead of fact based science. If the sensationist can become the intuitive- maybe that person who only seeks the here and now can know what lies in the future without much effort. What if we all could teach ourselves to live in a new reality and experience all it has to offer.

I know this sounds far fetched and a bit nutty to many out there, but if these things are only true to those who believe in them that means that the person who is intuitive doesn't have to suspend reality to believe in psychics or the feeler doesn't have to suspend reality to believe in God or love or the thinker doesn't have to suspend reality to believe that this world is here because of chance and carbon dioxide and the sensationist doesn't have to suspend reality to believe there is nothing except the now. So do we ever want to suspend our realities? To suspend my reality I would have to take on the reality of another type- I would have to become fully a thinker or a sensationist... but I don't want too.

Do we ever really want to suspend reality? Or do we like the world we view through our own? It's comfortable for me to know that there is something out there- be it God or something else. And it is comfortable for me to know that I have a future waiting ahead of me created by change and adventure, and that love will partly determine my future. For me to think in terms of molecules...to suspend my reality of intuition and feeling... sounds horrible.

So that's just it... we like the realities we live in. Why would I change the way I view the beautiful and loving world around me? But if I did... if I could consciously force myself to change into a thinking type- could I believe in the power of science above all? It's such an incredible thought to think, that I could fully believe that the truth is something else if I lived in another reality.

So, although it is scary and almost impossible, if we could try to live in another reality for even just a minute, we could experience a whole new side to life. We could experience a whole new world with all new truths. Okay... now tell me you aren't dieing to break out into a chorus of " A Whole New World" right now... I hope I am not the only one. : )

Think on it.

Reality Bites...

2009-11-02T12:40:00.000-08:00

So, something that truly fascinates me are the different realities we all live in. We all maybe be having the same conversation together but we view the situation differently and react differently according to the reality we live in. How amazing is that? I think that learning about these realities is useful for everyone. So here it goes a little anthropology lesson for you all. Enjoy.

There are personality types that have 4 different realities, but each of those can be split into the extrovert and introvert as well. So there are 8 realities going on at the same time. Woah.

1. Feeling Types: These people view time circularly and everything relates to their past. These are the people that seem so adventurous and liberal when they are young...but times moves forward and they stay in their pasts. This makes them conservative when they older because they are still stuck where they used to be. They tend to hold grudges because they can't move forward. They dislike big changes. Feelers will intensify emotions in any situation, and they would rather feel depressed than nothing. They love to feel! Feeling types tend to get down on themselves and blame themselves. But because they feel so well, it's very easy for them to see other peoples points of views in every situation, they feel for everyone. Once feelers get going on an emotion they have a very hard time getting over it and they become so consumed by the emotion they will drop obligations and loose track of time.

2. Thinking Types: Thinkers view time linear and relate things to their past but not through feeling only through logic. They see their past as affecting their future and this drives them to use logic to get where they need to go. Consistency and Continuity are extremely important to thinkers. They love to plan and stick to their plans always. Thinkers find themselves always sticking to what they believe is correct, even if the facts are against them, if they have made up their mind they will not take the opposite view into consideration- aka stubborn. They will follow logic above all- never emotion.

3. Sensation Types: These types are only concerned with living in the NOW, they don't connect to the past or the future. They will never truly believe in the unknown such as religion, they will say they do, but they never actually can. They aren't bothered by principle because they don't take time to think about it- they just do what they want. They are constantly chasing a new feeling or "sensation"- they seek a rush constantly. They are very impatient. They never think about other people and their feelings, they just don't think before they act. They are disconnected from every situation emotionally. This type will also always do what they need to do to get what they want.

4. Intuition Types: Intuitive types live in their future. They are constantly searching for that brighter perfect future which excites them. Since they live in their futures they are most likely to be psychic and guess what will happen in the future. Others see them as flighty, impractical, and unrealistic in their ways. They tend to always be changing, they bounce from idea to idea and rarely complete one. They don't have a concept of time. They are very charismatic, they convince other people to go along with their new and exciting plans, they get others to step out of their comfort zone. Often while others are trying to get used this types new idea, they will abandon it because they can't sit around waiting for others to understand. When life is moving at a normal pace or things become simply normal, intuitive types will get bored and search for a new change.

So, which type are you? Everyone is an overwhelming personality type but most people have a decent amount of two in them. We all have a tiny bit of each in us, but we are most definitely one type as well. I am overwhelmingly Intuitive but have much of the feeler in me as well. The funny thing is, I am always drawn to thinkers in my life- I just can't live like them.

If people learn to differentiate these worlds, experience those different than theirs, and predict how people respond we could better control ourselves and come to terms with others.

These 4 types or realities are happening at the same time, which can cause confusion on part of people involved. The feeler doesn’t understand how the sensation is so disconnected ect. If people took the time to realize their realities and disconnect themselves to see others point of views, we could all understand each other better, creating a more livable and happy environment.

So, realize what type you are, and learn more about yourself and others around you. : )

P.S.>This information comes from Mann- look him up for more information or ask me for more articles.

A lot of trick and no treat

2009-11-01T16:20:00.000-08:00

Well, for how much I was feeling it yesterday... today I am not. I won't go into details on what happened to me, but the fact of the matter is, bad things happen. I am not alone in what happened I am just another statistic that can be added to the list. It was the scariest night of my life...but I can not even remember it and it was the scariest morning of my life.... which I will never be able to forget. My physical safety in the end was okay- which I am so thankful for. But, bad things happen and we move on.

As a human we have this brain that dwells on thoughts over and over again. But when there is nothing we can do, we just have to try to consciously stop ourselves from thinking about it and set it aside. Because today is a new day, and tomorrow an even newer one... we can not live in our pasts. This is a hard thing for me to do but I know I can. I know that tomorrow I can wake up to that beautiful mountain and a crisp room, I can run into my shower, I can dry my hair with a towel and leave it insane as always, throw on a dress and boots, and smile at the fact that I am here and have so many wonderful things ahead of me in life. I consider myself to be one of the luckiest people right now. I have the most loving and special families that anyone could ask for, two best friends that mean more to me than any friends I have ever had, the perfect boy that I fell head over heals for the first time I met even though he had a bit of an afro( which is in fact what attracted me of course :) ), and a life full of possibilities.

I am officially putting last night behind me, I will learn from it and make my apologies to people, but I will not live in my past. Tomorrow I will have a great day ( even though I have that anthropology test I need to study for.)

To those who helped me, you are amazing... and to everyone who was here for me today, thank you as well. I hope everyone had a lovely halloween.

By the way.... I saw a Christmas commercial... the holidays are among us. : )

To holidays gone by and holidays to come!

2009-10-31T05:25:00.000-07:00

Happy Halloween Lovelies. : )

A year ago today I was in Flagstaff meeting with the faculty of the fashion merchandising program here at nau, driving back to Phoenix discussing with my wonderful mother just how right the mountain life was for me, eating free chipotle burritos with other people dressed almost as silly as me, walking down Mill Avenue crammed in between loads of people and asking Darth Vader to get a picture with Audrey Hepburn, playing the ultimate university student's game of beer pong, and enjoying the holiday for all it is worth. I love Halloween.

Right, so first off let's let one thing be clear. I am completely and utterly obsessed and in love with holidays. There is no two ways about it.... I am a holiday freak. And most importantly I love this holiday, all hallows eve, because it kicks off the brilliant holiday season ahead! After Halloween, my christmas heart is on- as my cousin Scotty would say. After halloween comes American Thanksgiving...playing football, laughing with family, Callum visiting : ), eating mass amounts of fresh food, and a midnight swim. Thanksgiving leads into the always amazing Christmas season which I won't even try to describe with words because it won't work, it's the best time of year. It's true everyone, I am sitting here drooling over the idea of holidays, I love them.

This year though, I have been finding it hard to get amped about Halloween as I normally am. With everything going on in my life I haven't thought about costumes, or parties, or plans really, there has been so much other stuff to focus on. But today, I feel it. This is going to be a spectacular Halloween, one for the books. Because the fact is, it really doesn't matter what you dress up as, or how much sugar you consume, or the fact that you consumed so much sugar you want to vomit miniature snickers out for hours, it's Halloween and we all deserve to have the time of our lives. That is what the holidays are for!

The holidays are all about bliss and being around people you feel wonderful with and that you make feel glorious as well! So, I hope everyone has a magical halloween no matter what their plans are.... be it staying in and enjoying horror films or dancing the night away at a raging party. Just no matter what, have a very happy Hallowen!

Welcome to the holiday season everyone... this is only the beginning. : )

Katie on Love

2009-10-30T16:36:00.000-07:00

I am not sure about you all, but I have a very hard time with the fact that I love way to many people and things. I don't just mean love as in sweaty palms racing hearts at the sight of a lover love, but best friends, family, dogs, the soft ivory sweater the girl is wearing that walks past me, listening to Judy Garland when I'm feeling down, doing my homework to Josh Groban's Christmas CD, wearing my blue silk dress, eating steamed vegetables and drinking tea, going home to costco trips and laying on our plaid couch in big baggy t-shirts, being the peanut butter between two people when snuggling, doing absolutely anything outdoors, playing ghost in the grave yard, studying anthropology and the human condition, watching old musicals and singing along, playing the same song in the car over and over until a new favorite comes out, going to Snowbowl after class to the prairie where we walk around, skyping callum, skyping my dad from his office even though it rarely works out well, reading travel blogs, dancing, going for runs to this fantastic fitness park, taking late night walks with good people, smelling coffee beans and drinking coffee when I need it, dressing people up in my clothes and outfits I create, Spending an hour looking at Anthropologie the store imagining the places I would go in the beautiful golden sweater dress I am currently obsessed with, going to vintage and antique stores, listening to records, baking christmas cookies and frosting them every christmas even though I am the only one who still enjoys that tradition, lighting candles that smell of warm inviting scents, being a vegetarian, traveling- and the thought of traveling the world, learning about people and their pasts and futures, perfectly crisp apples, snuggling with Arnold the greatest dog in the world, burts bees chap-stick, fire places, going to museums, studying history, seeing a show, brand new t-strap character shoes, new tights, flowy skirts, linen in the summer, the sweaty palmed feeling and excitement of meeting someone new and the nerves when they place their hand on your back,corduroy, scrary movies ( not to get confused with gory movies), girl movies when I want to cry, mittens, playing with kids, chasing Kim and being chased by Kim in circles in our kitchen, autumn and winter, dreaming up plans of travels and adventure in my head, white lace, learning new songs to sing, listening to anything Jason Robert Brown has composed, watching the Nutcracker... oh my goodness, the list goes on and on.

The fact of the matter is, I love far to many things.... honestly. I can't control the fact that I just love it all. I need to seriously calm my roll. Who am I kidding, everyday I discover something new I love to add to the list! But above all of these things, I love people the most. People as a whole, I love meeting new people, I love learning about people, I love people. But specifically, I do favor some... so here is to loving full heartedly. Here is to loving so many things so strongly and passionately that I might actually be skitzo.... but seriously.

And to those of you in my life that I love the most, thank you for being the loves of my life.

Icy Hot

2009-10-29T20:33:00.000-07:00

First off, this is what Flagstaff looks like right now. I am obsessed with the San Fransisco peaks, I see them outside my window- which I always have opened. This first off keeps my room crisp so I can snuggle under warm blankets and also lets me have a perfect view of these lovely mountains. It's an absolutely fulfilling feeling waking up to a freezing room which forces me to run into my shower across cold tile while quickly tearing clothes off my body. It is a perfect way to start a day. I then proceed to put on my tights, dress, boots, and wonderful new wool coat and top it off with a scarf, a braid in my hair, and mittens. I am dreaming in winter right now... which is dangerous for me. I enjoy it far to much.

So today I found myself in such an odd mood. Take a minute to remember I am a girl here, and can get a bit emotional just like anyone else. So I found myself feeling contrasting emotions: icy and raging hot. It was like I wanted to upset people just for a reaction( the hot headed thing) and I also felt like I wished all my emotions would go away and I could just be stoic( like ice). So this in turn didn't bid well for me. I ended up not only provoking people but also loosing my cool a bit. It was Icy Hot. Not in a cool, bitter sweet icy hot way. I mean really, I think I got on some peoples nerves quite a bit. And, in fair reasoning, I was being mental. But have you ever had a day like this?

A day where all you want is to get a reaction out of people, almost just to know that they care? I found myself sitting in my bed with my computer, while megan sat underneath my bed being calm and collected, and I sat up top loosing it and crying quite a bit. The fact of the matter is... sometimes we just want to know people love us. I am no exception, I felt like I needed to know something, I needed to know he was there. It's silly, and it's petty, and it's completely human. We all want to feel needed by someone and important to someone... so today my mood was definitely strange.

I am Icy Hot sometimes and I can't help it! I am a mess I think maybe. But, I will happily spend time with people I love and dream of winter and go running and sing and dance and jam out with megan in her car to get me by without being insane. Okay, well let's face it, I will always be a bit insane! Oh goodness, I will always be overly excited and less calm and collected, there is no getting around it. That is me, but I rarely get sad like this, so when I do... I think it just pushes me into this Icy Hot mood. I am going to try to control it now though.

I refuse to be Icy Hot any longer, even when I want to feel needed.

: )

Fear.

2009-10-29T02:28:00.000-07:00

I absolutely hate the word fear. No really, I mean hate as in if it were a person I might lower my standards to backstab him and spread unseemly lies to ruin his life, type hate. That's strong folks. I even dislike bolding in writing- but felt is necessary to bold the word hate. Let's stop me here before I become even more dramatic about the situation and end up sounding like a character straight out of The Glass Menagerie or any other Tennessee William's work for that matter. Although, who doesn't enjoy being a bit overtly dramatic every now and again? Just me? Well, moving on....

Fear, this mindset like happiness, causes people to do irrational things, or better yet causes them not to do things that they might really feel the need to do. Fear controls people.

Now, I guess the reason I hate fear is because I hate authority or anyone who tries to control me, that has been a problem my whole life. No doubt about it. And to me, fear is that authority figure shaking it's long slim grey finger in my direction whenever I want to take a leap or step out of my comfort zone. Well, as you all know, I never give into authority unless it's in good reason, and even then it isn't without a noteworthy fight.

Giving in has never been in my playbook of life... from refusing to wear shoes to refusing to fill my gas tank up when it was on empty... alright so it isn't always an admirable trait. But as a matter of fact I do like this quality about me. I have never been one to give into peer pressure, never been one to give into my parents, never been one to give into who I was dating.... but as I have gotten older, I have started to care a bit to much about what some people may perceive me as. But no more! I refuse to left fear conquer me, and that is an easy decision for me to make.

What bothers me more than letting myself get consumed by fear, is the fact that people around me fear more for my life plans far more than I do! That is absolutely RIDICULOUS. It's my gosh darn life! Why is everyone so afraid for me? Now granted, I understand I am a bit of a wild child: my mom once told me she was glad I didn't live in the 60's because I would have been a flower child at her best. I do agree, but I think I see that more of a positive than a negative, which may in fact be the reason that people are more fearful of my lifestyle than I am. The funny thing is, it's not that they are afraid of me doing drugs, or smoking, or being a drunkard, it's that they are afraid of me living a life that is not always supported by our society. It is a life that is unknown to most around me, and it is a life that is random and not planned.

Now I know that the way I want to live, traveling from place to place, meeting new people constantly, is not the life everyone wants. I have been blessed enough to grow up in a family that has always provided me with everything I need, and trust me, I have learned not to take it for granted. But I also see many people who grew up like me living in fear, which has led them to jobs they hate, apartments that cost way to much, a loss of sensitivity, a numbness, and family lives they don't want to go home too. To me, that is way more frightening than staying in a dirty hostel for a night lost in a country. Oh, that actually sounds great to me! I am ready for the adventure, ready to lead a life where I can take risks and chances because I don't let fear rule me.

So, lesson of this rant. I refuse to let an emotion live my life for me- and you shouldn't either.

Apologies now for the fact that this was a horribly written almost 3:00 am vomit of my current emotions. I am purging my worries here, right now. : )

Smile Watch

2009-10-28T04:33:00.000-07:00

For those of you who know me extremely well, you probably know about my secret pass time I have been partaking in since I was very young: smile watching. Although I suppose it isn't so much watching someone smile as it is watching someone come out of a smile. Either way it is the most brilliant thing to watch, and I think I have finally figured out why it fascinates me so much.

Now first let me preface this with, I have seen some ridiculously awkward coming out of smiles before. And I enjoy this almost as much as what I am about to describe today. That look on someone's face that says, I have no idea if it's okay to stop laughing right now or how do I stop looking like a smiling baboon. But past those silly times I have seen something so legitimately human and rare.

When People come out of smiles there is something so lovely that happens, after the lit up eyes and wrinkled smile lines and true laughter comes the natural expression of content. It's only there for a second a simple look and then we move on to looking questioning or smiling again or getting upset. But for a rare second all that is on our faces, is a look of content. It only makes sense that this would happen naturally after coming out of a joyous face. But think for a second, how often is it that a person has the warming sensation of content?

As people, we naturally are searching for the brighter future or focusing on our tormented past, but what about being content with where we are right now? I am very guilty of living in my past and future, but I try to consciously stop myself from living that way. I think it's sad that we are rarely content with what we have. We force ourselves to believe that bigger or newer things will miraculously make our lives better. But this just isn't so. No matter where we are in life, we are going to want more. But what if we all tried to stop ourselves from thinking like this?

If we all learned to recognize when we were doubting our presents just because of what lies behind or ahead, maybe society could have some major changes. If we learned how to deal with our problems in the now and be content maybe divorce rates would go down, possibly less cheating and stealing would occur, and possibly people would be more natural more often instead of trying to be something which will make their lives seem of greater importance. Watching someone have a glimpse of content gives me a glimpse of how wonderful human life is. We have the capability and right to be happy no matter where we are in life, I truly believe happiness is a mindset.

Now I am in no way saying, don't chase your dreams. I am just wondering if we could all be content while going after what we want on the entire ride of life. I am trying very hard to do this in my life, to be content for the journey. I challenge you to attempt this with me.

So next time you catch someone smiling, look for that slight instant after the smile, and watch how perfect that look of content is. It's time we all were content more often.

An Explanation

2009-10-22T00:48:00.000-07:00

If it's true that copying is a form of flattery, it's only obvious that I admire Joan Didion and George Orwell. I choose to call my blog Why I Live because when I was 16 years old, someone I respect very much, assigned me and my fellow class mates to read Joan Didion's Why I Write. For some reason those three words show up in my life often. Although almost everything in my AP Language class has stuck with me, and I believe made me learn to question things even more, this one essay has never left my mind. Didion says in Why I Write that she has just that one subject she can report on, her writing, it's her focus and area. Well, I have chosen to focus on something in my life as well, and that's simply living.

Now I don't mean living in the sense of "living the good life" nor do I mean to down play the way other people live their lives. I only mean to talk on a subject that I am devoting my focus on in life. The one topic that I think gives me insight into the human condition. I have no divine right to say that how one person lives their life is incorrect. But I do have the right to view my life, and view the lives of all those I see and try to come to some realization on why we as humans do what we do, why we feel what we feel, and why we don't do what we really should. Like Didion I don't flatter myself to believe that I am an expert in any area other than this.

Living is all I know. I know that life is flawed and life is painful and life is shit sometimes. But beyond all that, this is my and yours one life to live. And I can truly say that I believe living and experiencing life is how we as people become tolerant, loving, and humane. This is it, and I intend for this life to be all I can make it. This life will be joyous and loving and adventurous all of my time.

So here is to better understanding life, here is to truly being a human who focuses on living.

Cheers.