Square.

It turns out, I am more of a square than I thought, and I am okay with that. Finally.

My brain works at the pace of lightening, not in a good way but in a I think really fast and make decisions really fast, way. My mind is immediately always drawn to something dramatic and drastic, I guess because I actually think with emotions instead of logic.

In just over a week I was supposed to be jetting off on the experience of a lifetime, a year long working holiday in New Zealand. I made the decision to go in such a snap because well, I thought it was adventurous and bold and the only thing available. I was excited and jittery and a bit nervous until about two months before hand. Then panic set in... I am halfway through my degree, I'm pretty broke, I still get homesick and I have to sleep with the hall light on. Am I really ready to jet off to a tiny island where I know no one?

It was more than cold feet, it was my brain kicking in and over riding my crazy wild dreamy emotions. I'll be honest, it's one of the first times!

It wasn't the right time to go, and it will be one day, but it isn't now. I need to finish my degree, after all I do love learning. I need to have more security and stability for a bit, after all I've never stayed in any one place very long. And I need to realize it's okay to be a bit of a square sometimes.

I will always be adventurous and crave travelling, but sometimes I just need to calm down and have adventures right where I am. I don't have to always be so bold and daring to lead an exciting life. In fact, my new plans are are far more exciting to me and feel so right.

It's okay to be a square.

Matchy Matchy.

If there is one thing that drives me crazy, it's the matchy matchy thing. Lavender bags with lavender tissue with lavender ribbon. Red sheets under a red duvet piled with red pillows. A blob of one color. I can't stand it. I like things to of course have consistency in some ways, similar hues and such, but I hate it when things are exactly the same.

When any two things match perfectly, they become the same thing... well in my eyes at least. I simply can't separate where one thing ends, and another begins. When things go well together though, they're separate and recognizable while sharing some sort of flow. In the past week I've had to explain to the badger that I just can't handle that much of one color, and it really got me to thinking about matchy mathcyness and how it relates to people.

When two people are the same, when they match too much, they become some sort of entity that can't be seen as separate. I mean, let's be honest, the song is Ebony and Ivory, not Ebony and Ebony. Or as Ella put it, you say tomato I say tomato. Distinctoin and separation between people can make for some magical harmonies. To be the same person, well it simply doesn't make music.

I would never want to be that entity with someone. I have best friends, I have people who I am unimaginably close too, but I am so obviously still a singular person. I flow with people, but luckily, I don't simply match.

Although I am coupled with someone, and was given the nickname kadger in the past week, I know I don't match that person. A look through our itunes could sure tell you that, no seriously. But even more so, we both manage to remain singular in our passions and preferences in so many things, we are lucky enough to really share a common bond while remaining so different and distinct. It's obvious we flow, but luckily, we don't simply match.

Chain Judger

Today I had a wonderful talk with someone I used to be very close to. It was nice to just lie there sprawled across the bed chatting, it was comfortable, it felt so... naturally normal. But some of the things I heard shocked me, and made me down right frustrated.

Now, this blog is all about the way I view my life, the lives I see, and life in general. I put out my opinions, but I do recognize other opinions, and I try my very hardest not to judge people based on their different opinions. But sometimes, I just want to judge.

I want to judge, because someone else judged, and it's this big nasty chain of judging each other. It all started when someone judged someone I feel close to for this person's very personal choices. I won't get into details, but yes, in a nut shell... it was ridiculous.

It made me think about how judging really is a chain. If someone judges me, I feel the need to make a snap decision about them and judge them right back. When someone judges someone I know, the exact same thing happens. It's like that song, she only smokes when she drinks... well I only judge when I'm judged... and that's simply pathetic; yet so simply human.

I hate the idea that I'm putting on my judgy pants in haste when I don't fully know why that person made the judgement. I may not agree with it, but what if the person is so emotionally connected to the situation, and no one else sees that. I need to take off my judgy pants and realize... I'll never fully understand another person's perspective... because I don't have the ability to ride the magic school bus into someone's brain.

Chain Judging must be stopped, but it has to start with myself. My judgy pants are off.

Ugly Katie.

There are things that each of us dislike about ourselves. From a little extra fat on the inside of our thighs or the way we crack under pressure or the way we look in a mirror. We find in ourselves the worst faults, worse than anyone else could see in us.

As a person who has struggled with self image issues in her past, and like everyone else always has little woes, I know what it feels like to completely loath yourself for something. We are many of us guilty of finding our ugly selves more often than we find our beautiful selves.

Ugly Katie stares back at me some mornings in the mirror, and to shake her off takes quite a bit of work. She's controlling, emotional, unattractive looking, and when I see her my stomach drops. Some days Ugly Katie never goes away, somedays we all just feel Ugly.

The thing we all have to realize is, we have to constantly keep ourselves in check. Constantly make sure we are being the best person we can be, helping out the global community just by loving those around us. But to love those around us, we honestly have to love ourselves. Because when I am Ugly Katie, I think the world thinks of me as Ugly Katie, and that really makes it hard to love them back. To see those around us with clarity we must view ourselves with some sense of it as well. We are to biased to make such harsh and rash judgements upon ourselves because we are to eager to jump to negative conclusions.

I mean we are always all going to have Ugly days. Days where it seems impossible to not cry or scream at someone; and more importantly it seems impossible to feel beautiful( and I don't necessarily mean physical beauty) and love ourself. But the only way to feel beautiful is to learn to fight through the Ugly days. To learn to combat your inner Ugliness with love and appreciate yourself and those around you.

If we ever want to fully love those around us and ourselves we can't let the Ugly version of ourselves take us over, we have to fight for our beauty everyday. We have to fight to be the version of ourself that makes us happiest. And while we will always want to loose 5 pounds or become better at being a lover or make the people around us happier, we also have to always know how to kick that negative feelings and combat the ugly.

It's up to yourself to decide how to fight off your personal Ugly. But I'll have you know, once you fight it off life can really be beautiful.

No amount of praise from people will change the way we view ourselves, it's up to me to not be Ugly Katie.

I will survive... and so will you.

I like the past.

I like vintage, I like believing in ghosts, I like history, I like museums filled with toaster ovens and bicycles and things that were once new that now seem so fragile. I like listening to elderly discuss life back in a different time. I like period movies and crinoline petticoats and old worn horse shoes. I like the past, I really do.

As a person who lives " in the future" so often and is always looking for something new, I find myself drawn constantly into the past. History has always been something so intriguing to me. It's like learning about a whole new world, yet it all happened right here. And yes, feel free to burst into a chorus of Aladin's whole new world as you are reading this, I know I did...

Anyways, Right here, where I am sitting now, was a completely different place in a different time. It's insanity really. It's mind blowing. I can spend hours walking around museums filled with trinkets and treasures and just think about the people who used to hold them dear. It's impossible to walk through museums without thinking about the child who once rode that shiny new bike or the 1950's wife who made toast for her family every morning through her modern new toaster oven. It's impossible not to think about the people behind all the items from the past.

I have this locket that belonged to a family member of mine from ages ago. It's etched with vines and a cross hatch pattern and it's made from a delicate worn down gold. The hinge is broken, and sadly, in such a frail state it can't be fixed. I've always wanted to wear that locket since it was given to me. It's funny though to think that when my great great great grandmother was wearing that locket, she had no idea that I one day would treasure it so, or that she in a way would live on through it. I obviously never knew her, but I imagine her every time I look at it.

We all think that when we die we stop being known completely, that life just moves on and we are never going to be remembered again. But while life goes on, the past always finds a way to pop out, it's always here. I now have my own locket, something I've wanted badly for ever. My sister gave me the simple silver heart with KAS etched across it for Christmas last year. I've never taken it off since, but one day I will.

One day I will get to be the person who passes down a treasure of mine to be someone else's. It may be out dated and the hinge may be ruined, but it will be a beautiful reminder that the past still does live on. The people who once lived aren't dead really, they survive through the most ordinary objects and become constant memories that everything we are right now, will one day be the past.

We are so afraid of growing old, so afraid of being people of the past; I admit it, I am. But the most remarkable thing is that we are truly lucky in that way, one day I will get to be the great great great grandmother who lives on through my beloved locket. I love the past, and although I hate the idea of wrinkles and fake teeth, I feel honored that one day I will be a person of the past living on through the entirety of the future.

The silver may be scratched and writing illegible but one day generations after me someone will imagine who I was, who the girl wearing this locket really was. And that's how we live on, and that's absolutely lovely.

What a symmetrical face you have my dear!

The first time I met Mr. Badger I immediately noticed two things. A. He had a white man afro and B. beyond his hair he was incredibly attractive ( Sorry love, but you know I never liked that fro of yours). The second thing I noticed was that he smiled and laughed a lot, I was just super drawn to him and wanted to be a part of the fun. I didn't know why immediately, but I knew I wanted to talk to him more. On a night out I found myself maneuvering my way around people just to "happen to sit by him".... although he claims it was him who tried to sit by me... either way, we ended up talking. And the rest, well, it just sort of all happened.

The point of me regurgitating this story is that the reason we are attracted to people really amazes me. Now Mr. Badger studies biology. He believes in science. I study the people around me, and I half believe science but with my whole heart believe in feelings. Science tells us that the colors we wear, and the higher our voices, and the wider our hips, the more likely a man is to love us. And for women, science tells us we are more attracted to big dilated pupils and big other things. Well mostly Cosmopolitan tells us that last one, but you get what I'm saying. I think we are just naturally drawn to some people because of a feeling. I can't explain it, it makes no sense, and I'll face it.... it sounds like "new age" nonsense, I know. But it's just a feeling. And no, I don't center my chakra daily... but I have been told I have a violet aura. Yeah I'm pretty fantastic. Okay, anyways...

Whenever I meet someone for the first time I always get a feeling about them. It's body language, it's eye contact, it's humor, it's everything. But I usually either feel drawn to the person, or just want to stay away. And of course, when I'm first attracted to someone it's due to their looks, that's normal I'm pretty sure. But as time goes one, the more I get to know a person, my view of their outside really changes. I've met people I found unattractive physically who I grew to find attractive, and vice versa, just from getting to know them. Does this ever happen to you? I mean maybe I'm crazy, but I swear that happens to me.

Science also tells us that the more symmetrical the face the more beautiful the person. But I know plenty of people with odd looking faces that I feel are stunning because of that. And I know plenty of famous actors and models and performers have unique looking features and are viewed as beautiful in society. I guess that more has to do with popularity though and the way it changes how we view people...which is a completely different factor for a whole different day.

So here is my question, why are we attracted to certain people? Why did I get the feeling I wanted to know Mr. Badger more when I barely knew him at all? What is it about people that automatically makes us think, I've got to be near them. It's a question that I can only answer with an answer that will appease myself. And it might lack complete and utter sense to you, but to me, it all boils down to a feeling.

But that's just me. I've never really liked science much.

American woman, please don't stay away from me

I currently feel like shit.

I feel ignored, and ridiculous, and all other awful feeling things a girl can feel sometimes. So I'm going to write about a woman who wouldn't let herself get down over this, because I am not letting someone else make me feel this bad, and golly am I'm tired of crying.

I want to write about someone who is an inspiration to me, a woman who wouldn't just sit by and cry over someone either, yes ladies and gents, Judy Garland is her name, and American women are the game. From Somewhere Over the Rainbow to A Star is Born, Judy Garland is stellar. I can honestly say I know every word in Meet Me in St. Louis, and I admit that proudly. She dealt with her drug addiction, multiple failing relationships, and hundreds of husbands, all the while remaining as lovely as ever. She was a true American Woman.

The characters she choose to play were all ideal. They were innocent ingenues, but stuck up for things they knew were right. They couldn't be contained by society yet they still maintained their own moral codes. They had huge hearts and amounts of courage to match. They went through heart ache and pulled through to the end. They were ideal American Women.

I recently read an interesting article in the financial times titles American Ideal. It discussed how everyone all over the world knew about these American women and their outrageous acts in the 1920's. They could do what they want, they weren't just stay at home women anymore. They were out partying and smoking and drinking gin and playing poker... while still wearing heels, a dress, and smelling wonderful, so scandalous. They were sassy alright, but they were delicate flowers at the same time. It's a balance and partnership of characteristics that made them so appealing. It's the perfect equation for a woman of intelligence and intrigue and freedom at the same time, it's so damn American. It's all about freedom and the ideals of not being contained, while still maintaing the womanly image. It's one of the most endearing things to see in other women I think, and I hope to have some of these qualities myself.

I think the most inspiring women are those like Judy Garland. The opinionated, stubborn women who still maintain a grace about them. They are free and fun and loving, but they won't be taken for granted... and they have the confidence to do what they want. I hope that I too can be an ideal American woman in this life, free and soft, but strong and courageous.

And to all those American woman out there, you are truly awe inspiring, just like Ms. Garland.

An ode to the perfect summer hat.

It's no lie that my skin is as white as snow... and it's sickening. When summer roles around it's all about sunscreen and hats for me, and hopefully a bit of tan will come my way without turning me into a wrinkly old woman. But finding the perfect hat is sickening as well, seeing as I look like a complete oaf in half of them out there. But this summer, I found it.

Now, this obviously isn't a fashion blog. But I admit I do spend a fair bit of my time browsing lookbook and reading Elle & Vogue & Nylon & Lucky. Sometimes I just find myself completely captivated by the art of fashion.

I hope we can all agree without getting into the "what is art" argument, that fashion is an art form, right? It's expression, it's beauty,and honestly it's rare in a world filled with people walking around purely in outfits put together and mass produced out of stores like top shop or forever 21... not that I don't shop at those stores as well. But fashion isn't supposed to be about everyone looking exactly the same. Everyone wearing shoes, shorts, shirts, bags, headbands, all from one store. No... it's art! That means it's creativity, it's new, it's experimenting, it's pushing the boundaries sometimes. Let's face it, fashion isn't about comfort, it's about so much more, just like any other art form. Do you really think the first ballerina's to perform Le Scare Du Printemps( The rite of Spring) felt comfort when mass chaos broke out just due to the choreography... not they were pushing the limits. They knew people wouldn't like it, it wasn't comfortable for them, but they were creating art.

The thing is , it is far easier to wear our Gap sweater with our Nordstrom jeans and Steve Madden flats, because that's what the magazines or stores have put together for us... but that my friends, is not fashion to me. That's simply tracing a drawing someone else put their passion and imagination into. So this summer, I am trying out some new things, trying to push my own boundaries. I refuse to plagiarize.

I've found a hat I wouldn't normally pick out for me, and it turned out to look quite groovy on me I think! So try something new, maybe even check out your local thrift stores and just start creating... if you feel inclined to do so. Like other forms of art, fashion doesn't have to be for everyone. But it is for me, and I feel quite passionate about it.

And passion, is what creates world changing art. And just like in life, pushing the boundaries for something you are passionate about isn't going to feel safe, but that doesn't mean it isn't right.

And to think, all this flew out of my mouth... or my fingers I suppose... because of a hat.

Oh Arizona...

As fantastic as Arizona is, it's got some MAJOR political issues... have a look at John Stewart's hilarious comments on our ridiculous new law.

http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/mon-april-26-2010/law---border

Hit the road Jack

It's 5:50 am, and I'm leaving my house for work. I get into my car, back out of the drive way, and without evening hesitating find myself on the 202 and then transferring on to highway 60. It takes no thought, which is perfect for an early morning commute.

The funny thing is though, if I were awake enough to even notice what was around me, I'd see a highway that was used for movie filming( The Kingdom), I'd see mountains that have famous folklore's and a rich historical connection to the old west. I'd see where John Wayne or Elvis movies where filmed, a city where people flock to for fashion centers, spas, and nightlife... just a whole valley booming with excitement and culture. But I don't see that, because I live here. To me it's just the highway that gets me from A to B, it's the mountains that sit behind my house that I hike at, it's no big deal, it's just the valley. I mean, the Grand Canyon was an hour away from where I went to school, so we went whenever we wanted... it's no big deal to me.

But it is a big deal! People travel from all over the world to see Arizona, yet it's all just a few hours away from me. I've seen loads of it, and I love to explore it, but like everyone else... I take it for granted. I personally have the travel bug. I want to go everywhere, experience everything, and meet everyone. What I sometimes forget is, it shouldn't cost a $ 1,000 plane ticket to travel. I can travel five minutes away from my house and experience something great, if only I am open to it.

Now I definitely try to be open to it. I convince friends to go on spur of the moment drives to Jerome or Sedona or just somewhere new... but why we don't we all do this more? We spend saturdays packed in student houses or dorms all on our heavily used macbooks stumbling on pictures of what looks like the most enchanting place ever. The truth is though, a place that enchanting is probably just a few miles away. Everywhere we are, everywhere we go, there is something to see, something to experience, and someone new to meet. So in reality, to travel, all we need to do is open our eyes and step outside.

It's up to us experience all the world has to offer!

Come on, let's travel.

Goodbye is the new Hello

A few weeks ago, after spending twelve not so perfect, yet perfect days with mr. badger, he had to leave me. It was uncomfortable and unnatural to let go of him as we stood there, arms wrapped around each other at his gate. As I walked out of the airport, everyone staring at me while I was sobbing pretty obnoxiously, I thought how much I hated saying goodbye. Yes, Hate. To my love, to friends, to family, to people I barely know, saying goodbye is one of those things that just feels so against human nature and wrong.

But the truth is, saying goodbye is part of life, it is natural. People come in and out of our lives when we need them or when they need us, so naturally most people don't stay in our lives forever. I know this all to well, being the child of an air force father. I've moved from country to country, town to town, home to home, almost every other year for my entire life. I love that I had that growing up, but sometimes I'm jealous of the people who have known their friends or mates for almost twenty years. I never had that, but I hope to someday.

I understand why we have to say goodbye, but I can't be the only person who finds it to be the worst feeling in the world, right? I've found the only way to cope with the saying goodbye blues, are to think about the hello's. Because every time we have to let go of someone in our lives, we get the chance to meet another person who can affect us or change us or help us or let us help them, and that is truly lovely. So, although I have had to say goodbye to my fair share of boyfriends or best friends, I have met ones now that were well worth the goodbyes I had to go through.

Sometimes, getting through a goodbye is actually a way of finding yourself a new hello. And maybe that next hello, will be the one that stays around forever.

PofV

This post is inspired by Mr. Badger, and his photography.

Whenever I "stumbleupon" a picture, or am looking for the right one to describe my words, I always find some awe inspiring page that makes me wish myself away to another place. The clouds are darkened, the grass is deepened with dew, the sun shines through the decaying and crumbled stone walls creating a shadow on the ground that holds as much beauty as the well worn building above, and I think... oh my god... I have got to get there. I immediately search for where it was taken and day dream myself to greece or brazil or wherever this picture was taken. Yes, the power of photography. Now, sadly, as much as I love art, I can only draw stick figures and my pictures are usually crooked and consist of a point-and-click-in-haste method. I don't have that gift, I wish I did.

I do however love to look at these photographs. And when I go some place new or some place old and find myself idolizing it, I write. I write songs, I write essays, I write short stories, I just write. I also tend to sing, but that's a whole different addiction of mine. It's so funny how looking at a picture and writing about a picture are so similar. It's all about point of view.

If the photographer or writer changes the angle, or alters the mood it can completely produce a different story. Those well worn stone walls now project a frightening shadow that creeps into our souls. The building is no longer antique, just simply fragmented. The clouds are foreboding and shout stay away. Contrasting views of photographers or writers or painters or sculptresses or any kind of artist can change our minds about anything we see.

Point of View is in the eye of the artist, or any of artists' senses for that matter. It turns out point of view may just be one of the most powerful things in this world.

P.S.- If you would like to see a handsome man's handsome point of view, http://callumbadger.tumblr.com/ is a place you could find it.

The Stench

There's something about the smell of a human that can turn a mother bird from loving to abandoning in a snap. That first whiff of you on her chick will make her never come back.

It's interesting the stenches that can be left on us, or our lives, just from brief encounters with people. There are always those people that make us feel great, the ones that help us stay positive, the ones who we strive to be better around. But there are also those people who only have negative affects on our lives. It may not be life changing, or ground moving, but something slight. These people leave sour odors behind on us, and people around us may be able to pick up on them, but it's doubtful. Only someone as close to us, like a mother to a chick, would be able to smell the stench these negative nancy's have left behind on us.

It's usually the people who use us in their plots for attention, or need us and use us without realizing it, that leave the stench behind. And for all of us out there who can't say no to helping people with their problems, well, we just smell sometimes. From jealous schemers to those who are utterly depressed, it's easy for a person to get used in this life time. And, c'est la vie, that's just the way things go, but every time we are used, we gain a slight smell that someone else left behind.

I can of course, like everyone else, think of people who have used me, and people I have used. When I was about 12 I had a friend I mainly played with because she had insanely radical nintendo 64 games, not because I really liked her... yeah, we've all done it, maybe without even realizing it. But the worst cases, the worst smells, odors, and stenches, they are caused by people who know they are using us. The people who call us at 3 am time and time after again just so we can sort out their problems. The people who rely on us for things that no one should have to be relied on for. And the people who play on our own characteristics to get what they want out of us. These are the people who leave behind the worst stench, and if you haven't been used by one yet, trust me, you probably will be.

It's slight, but the stench is there. And even though we know it's wrong to pick up the baby duck or goose, sometimes we do it anyways. But, we have to remember that doing what we want has an affect on that duck, just as it is does on people.

Let's not leave stenches, let's not cause baby birds to be abandoned either.

Daydream Believer

Okay, it's been ages since I've put pen to paper, or fingers to keyboard I suppose. But I have had lots of topics on my mind to write about, so in the next few days I am going to crank out some things on my mind! So my friends, sit back and enjoy my string of useless thoughts I think through out the day.

Let me set the scene, it's 8:00 pm. I've just gotten out of the shower after a sweaty trip to the gym. As I lay in my bed with my soaking wet hair drenching my bamboo fiber pillow case I turn on some episodes of The Mighty Boosh, the first season of course, and begin to stumble, a normal evening activity. After passing through a world of confusing games, random wikipedia pages, some recipes, diy activities, and much more I stumble on something that I stumble on very often. Writesomething.com. So of course I take a moment to write something random and not witty at all, and then I continue to read the page. Someone left a comment about how their mother taught her the importance of day dreaming, and I thought to myself, I thought Katie, that's so lovely.

As an avid day dreamer, I spend my time imagining myself marrying Stephen Colbert or going back in time to the twenties and swooning over some jazz or going on an adventure of uttermost importance to history or going back to Sumer and seeing Mesopotamia first hand... and marrying stephen colbert. I also imagine more romantic things, like staying in a coastal house in Greece while only wearing white dresses and perfect leather sandals while the wind whips through my wavy mess of hair. And sometimes I daydream about more realistic things, things that are coming in the future, or that I hope are coming. Whatever the dream, it happens often, and it happens at random times during the day. I also use day dreams at night as well though, I use them to fall asleep. I roll over on my side think wonderful dreams and am out like a rock. The power of the day dream!

I think day dreams are truly beautiful. We can use our imagination to unlock adventures and romance and excitement and anything we want! Our daydreams are also so personal, it's what our deepest desires are, the desires we don't have to share with anyone.

So keep day dreaming, keep traveling to other worlds, keep using the imagination we were born with, keep loving those moments when we can just lay outside in the sun dreaming of another place. Because day dreaming, I truly believe, is the most creative and personal thing a person can do.

I believe in day dreams, do you?

That's old...

Guess what?

In a month and 2 hours I will be 20 years old. The end of my teens. The end of being a young adult. I will be 20. The... older... yet newer and better version of Kaitlyn Anne Skinner, the 2.0. version. It's a big deal, well, it's a pretty big deal. Actually, well... okay it's a big deal to me.

The scariest part about becoming 20.... in ten more years... I'll be thirty... after that 40... after that... oh my god... I'll be 50 years old. Yes, aging, a miraculous and fucking terrifying thing. I don't want to be 50, ever. I take that back, I'd like to live until 50, but I also would like to stay 19 forever.

You all must get the gist of my ramblings, time is terrifying. Time moves slow and fast at the same time. We dream of fast forward buttons on the boring or mundane times, we dream of stop buttons on the amazing memories. We keep dreaming, and time keeps passing, and it's sad. I mean, I want to live everyday for today, but it's harder said than done. Anyways...

What I really do want to talk about today is aging. The other day a lovely older woman walked in the coffee shop I'm a barista at. She had long silky grey hair cut in a simple way and it moved naturally. No dye, no fake highlights, no roots needing to be touched up, just shinning silky grey hair. I thought she was just wonderful to look at, she was embracing her natural beauty that comes with age. From 20 year olds wearing anti-wrinkle cream to 30 years old getting monthly botox, we just seem to not face age well. Men buy red shiny cars or have inspirational epiphanies. Women dye their hair and make it so their faces can't move. All this, just to prove we aren't aging?

The truth is, everyone knows we are aging, and I think the people who age the most gracefully, are the people who admit they are aging and embrace it. The ones who can have long silky grey hair and still feel 20 inside! The ones who can still run and jump and hike and bike ride at the age of 80 instead of going to the salon and worrying about their hair color! We all know we age folks... why is this a bad thing? With age comes wisdom, with age comes more love, with age comes experience, and with age still comes new times and memories and fun!

So I won't freak myself out about becoming 20 just yet, because I know I have such incredible times to come, and I hope to face them with grace. Let's all face our ages with grace, let's run and jump and climb and swim and hop and have fun for the rest of out long lives.

Time can't stop us!

Quench it!

Somedays I wake up and just feel the need to find passion. I feel the need to quench my creative thirst and nourish myself with words or beauty or hand dyed charadney lace. On days like this I can not count on others to provide me with what I need, I must rely on myself and what I know.

As I put each leg into my tights, layer dress upon slip, scarf upon coat, mascara upon lashes, I can't help but crave fresh air. So I walk out the door with my perfectly tanned saddle bag slung across my body carrying only some variation of caffeine, a pen, and a notebook. Here I am, seeing the crumbling rock mountains around me, doodling flowers and faces, writing awful poetry and music, putting words on paper that make sense to no one but myself. It's now that I realize, the things we do, they have to be for us, not for anyone else. I know how to quench my thirst, and that's my job in life!

As I'm growing up, I'm starting to have to plan things around not only myself but the important people in my life. I'm having to make sure that I include the people I want in my life, while constructing a dream. Here I am knee deep in plans and decision making, when it's what I'm worst at. It's hard for me not only make decisions for myself but times that by 100 to the 9th degree and that's the pressure I feel when making decisions that are going to affect the people I care most about.

It's hard to do thing for ourselves sometimes, I really believe it's easier to make decisions that we think will make others happy than will make ourselves content. But on days, weeks, months, and years like these I realize just how important it is, that I make choices for myself. I have to live with the life I create, we all do.

So choose for yourself. Accept that your plans may have to include others and it's work to fit your dreams with the dreams of those you care about. But still, make sure it's your choice in the end. The only way we can be happy with our choices is to step up and make them ourselves.

This isn't 1800 anymore, the world is our oyster, and it's an expedia or sta travel ticket away. What we want, it's reachable. So keep reaching my friends.... and do it for yourselves.

I know I will.

Limbo.

This is the time of year in Arizona where it feels like you are stuck between the warming holiday season and the future summer to come. Spring is not in the air my friends, because there is no spring to be heard of in Arizona. It's a place I like to think of as Limbo.

Not only am I in seasonal Limbo stuck between mild weather and a burning hot summer, but a kind of emotional limbo as well. Since the holidays are gone, I'm no longer in England, I'm no longer singing carols, I no longer spend all day with my boyfriend and best friend, and I'm no longer dreaming of wool tights and sweater dresses. No, no, that's all gone. Right now, is getting down to business time. It's working, it's cleaning out the closet, and it's simply dreaming of what's to come. Summer is now on my mind, and it's all I can think about.

I've been cursed with a brain that constantly thinks of the future, and rarely the now. I see my life as being perfect once March 23rd comes and I see callum for 12 days or once the summer comes and I get to play all day while working at a Summer Camp with people I love. I can't get enough of day dreaming about how lovely it's all going to be, once I get there. My plans are just all so brilliant and inspiring that i just want them to pan out now, I want the future now... my biggest fault.

Call it impatience, call it angst, call it missing people, call it whatever you may, but right now, I'm in limbo. I'm stuck here, and I can't get out fast enough. I live each day happily, but each day I happily think that I'm almost there... wherever that may be. But that's just me, that's how I am.

So it's high time I get out of emotional limbo, and not just live happily, but actually daydream about the way my life is now, what I have here. Because no matter how many times we check the clock a day, it's still here until the sun goes down.

Let's leap out of limbo together.

Kleenex vs. Tissues

Well yesterday morning I woke up to a sore throat, an explosive head, and a snotty nose. Yes, the head cold got me, and it got me good. I decided to sleep in for once and just stay in bed, there was no way I was going anywhere while knives scraped the back of my throat and I couldn't breath without making Darth Vader noises. So I walloped in self misery and ignored the outside world, which by the way is what I do when I'm sick, feel sorry for myself, it's fantastic. Anyways, while I did all that I also took a skype call from the boyfriend of course. Our conversation mostly consisted of me complaining and falling asleep while drooling on my pillow... yes I actually fell asleep while talking to him... but hey I was sick!

Anyways, during my ramblings I told mr. badger I needed to go downstairs to get more kleenex... and that's when this all started. Now, kleenex is a brand of course, tissues are the product. But I was raised on kleenex, and like many people living in the continental united states, kleenex is what I call tissues. It's a horrible habit that I need to kick, I'll admit it. But branding of course plays a huge role in my life.

I realized I am a brand whore, and it's got to stop. I drink diet coke only, I blow my nose in kleenex, I shop at Urban outfitters, I use apple, google is my homepage, and tylenol cold is like magic to me. Oh dear, I think capitalism has really gotten to me.

But here is the problem, businesses start small and through being the best or connections or luck or all of it they grow into these brands that take over majorly. So then they become these huge corporate machines that can control much of the world through their success and monetary power, kind of a scary thought. But think about it, what small business doesn't dream of no financial worries, of being the best of the best in their area, and what's so wrong with that?

So what is wrong with calling tissues kleenex? Well, because kleenex isn't paying me to advertise for them, that is exactly why. In fact, I am paying them. It's similar to my biggest pet pee ever.

My biggest pet peeve in the world is...drum role please... wearing shirts or pants or any article of clothing that has a huge brand name written across it. Whew, glad I got that out.

I refuse to wear a pair of velour pants that exclaim "juicy" on the back, unless they are paying me to wear them. Why in the world would someone be a walking billboard for a company, when they aren't even paying them? It's ridiculous. Plain and simple, it's ridiculous! I get that brands are important to many people, me included sometimes, but come one people, we are not billboards! I have since 5th grade, refused to wear a shirt with any brand name on it, and I will continue to refuse for the rest of my life.

So here it is, in a capitalistic, consumer driven society we have to choose which battles to fight. I will try not to call tissues kleenex, because kleenex is just a name. Until kleenex is paying me to endorse their product, I will endorse tissues not kleenex. I need to stop being such a brand whore, so here I go fighting the world of capitalism while living knee deep in it.

Wish me luck!

Different Strokes

When I wake up in the morning it seems to be a mad rush for clothes. I mean hey, I'm a girl, it's okay. No matter what I pick out the night before, something seems more appealing in the morning or I just look like a whale with pale skin when I put it on and look in the mirror. So I rip through my wardrobe sweeping aside mass amounts of silk, and soft sweaters, and crisp jcrew button downs onto my papasan chair where arnold sits... yes Arnold is in fact the dog. Arnold is not a dog, Arnold is the dog, but that's for another day.

So, now that i have an hour until work and half of my wardrobe on my papasan chair I decided to sit down and write about something I think maybe be of immediate importance in this world, right this very minute.

Okay, get this. If you go on a "stumble" spree you may run across many social sites that connect you with either a bunch of people or one single person sitting somewhere else in the world. The first time I stumbled on one, I hesitantly pushed the "start" button, wondering if a sex offender was sitting on the other side. Well, in fact, he might have been. But after a few tries I began to get more comfortable, I was able to sit down and say hello without getting nervous... okay well I still got a little nervous, but that's just me. Now, after talking to many great people on there with similar view points and ideas or completely different views and ideas I realized something. I have absolutely no clue what is right or wrong for anyone, because no matter what, no one else knows what is truly right or wrong for me. So I stopped judging the people sitting on the other side of the screen asking for nude pictures, and just let them be. I didn't have to partake, but I didn't have to be rude and say awful things to them either. I just let them be.

I try not to judge people, I try not to gossip, I try to be a good person, but sometimes I think back on things I've said and realize I was being a complete closed minded idiot. Does that ever happen to you? I mean even small comments or snickers that I think, man I wish those words wouldn't have come out of my mouth. I've realized that when people do things we may not love, that doesn't mean they made a bad choice or a wrong choice, just different. And the great thing is, different choices are what make it so completely interesting to meet new people.

Meeting someone who is exactly like you, who thinks like you, likes the same things, wants the same things, gets so very old so very fast. It's the differences in people that make conversation exciting, that make sharing new experiences exciting. So we need to celebrate our differences, even in the little things.

I just needed to remind myself of that and thought I would write it down to share. Let's embrace our different choices, whether we all agree with them or not.

P.S.- This is no way condones the choices such as taking someone's rights or basic human rights away. That's a whole other can of worms that can't be opened without shooting myself in the foot.

Why we all live

Love.

Love is why I live. Love, for that matter, is why we all live.

Now, I am not a crazy romantic, I never have been. I don't find myself watching Pride and Prejudice and crying every weekend, not that I do not love that movie. Every self respecting woman loves a good Jane Austen novel turned into a movie, it's just part of our genes. Not only do we get to swoon over the words of Mr. Darcy but we get to see his hot bod walk across screen while he yearns for his love. Ah, Mr. Darcy is the perfect man... Okay that is beside the point, moving on.

The facts are, life is not complete without love. I of course love musicals, and dresses, and sundays reading fashion magazines, but of course what I love above my strange obsessions or passions, are the people in my life. Love for a friend, love for family, or the ultimate, love for your partner are the most important loves we have.

I am lucky enough to be 19 and know what love feels like. I know some people may call me a silly girl, say I'm to young to feel love, but I do. I know what it feels like in best friends and in boyfriends. I am truly lucky to have found love in the perfect boy and the perfect best friends.

When being in love it's important to let the other person know how you feel. Not with flowers, or expensive gifts, but with truth and honesty. And lately, I've really realized how important knowing that your love is reciprocated is.

This is why.... well, from my perspective this is why.

There is a point when dating someone that the honey moon period goes away. The point where you feel like you are no longer swooned over. The point where you stop having people tell you, " oh he is so smitten with you"... and it feels like utter crap. The excitement goes and you feel doubtful that people still feel the same way about you, when it's 3 am at least. Yeah, 3 am is about right, the time when our brains turn to mush and we let our minds take flight. But being in a long distance relationship magnifies that. Not only are you no longer swooned over, but you are no longer getting calls all the time, no longer getting "I miss you's" all the time and just no longer getting the attention everyone in love craves. And when you are in a long distance relationship, you already get less attention than the average couples give each other. And let's face it, living in the same country or different countries, we all crave love.

It's truly important that people know we still love them, because love is what we live for. Love is what I live for. I love the people around me, and I want them to know. I never want someone to feel the way I do lately, I want people to know how important they are to me everyday. Because it is important they know, actually it's so important they know.

So just so you know, I am still utterly in love with you. I am still completely smitten with you everyday. I still think you are the perfect man for me. I still am in awe of how handsome you are, even when I pout about your facial hair. I still get giddy when I think about you and get a goofy grin when you smile at me or kiss me. And I still can't wait for what's to come with you, you are just about the only thing in my life so far that I've had the patience for. It's important to me that you know that I still love you, and even if our honeymoon period is over, I'm still weak at the knees for you. It's important you know that.

Love is not only why I live, it's why we all live... so let's show people that. I have just come to this conclusion, and I think it's one of the most important things I've thought of.

Let's love and be loved my friends. : )

Jealousy.

It pumps in our veins. It turns our minds to radical conclusions. It infuriates our eyes. It wrinkles our tainted skin.

It is not rational.

Jealousy is not based on rational thinking. We all have the jealousy bug and it can pop up to bite us at any time. It will burrow in us, until the ideal moment, to make us miserable. The problem is, like any strong emotion, we can let jealousy do nasty things to use and let it run rampant through our minds. We throw rational out the window and decide to let thoughts of master planned lies take over our minds and often consume our bodies.

Just a while ago, I let my body become enveloped in overly active tear-ducts, trembles, and moans of helplessness. Just by viewing pictures that really had no meaning, the bug bit me...in the ass. It wasn't logical, it wasn't based on reason, it was entirely myself being controlled by a toxic emotion.

So how do we not let jealousy turn us into suspicious idiots when it bites? We talk it out. Again, being honest about our feelings is the only way we keep ourselves from harvesting resentment in our souls only to be watered every time the bug comes back... and it will. No matter how utterly lame we feel, jealousy should be discussesd, not held inside.

Instead of fb stalking our jealous emotions relentlessly- looking for more proof to make us miserable- just talk it out. It worked for me.