To holidays gone by and holidays to come!

Happy Halloween Lovelies. : )

A year ago today I was in Flagstaff meeting with the faculty of the fashion merchandising program here at nau, driving back to Phoenix discussing with my wonderful mother just how right the mountain life was for me, eating free chipotle burritos with other people dressed almost as silly as me, walking down Mill Avenue crammed in between loads of people and asking Darth Vader to get a picture with Audrey Hepburn, playing the ultimate university student's game of beer pong, and enjoying the holiday for all it is worth. I love Halloween.

Right, so first off let's let one thing be clear. I am completely and utterly obsessed and in love with holidays. There is no two ways about it.... I am a holiday freak. And most importantly I love this holiday, all hallows eve, because it kicks off the brilliant holiday season ahead! After Halloween, my christmas heart is on- as my cousin Scotty would say. After halloween comes American Thanksgiving...playing football, laughing with family, Callum visiting : ), eating mass amounts of fresh food, and a midnight swim. Thanksgiving leads into the always amazing Christmas season which I won't even try to describe with words because it won't work, it's the best time of year. It's true everyone, I am sitting here drooling over the idea of holidays, I love them.

This year though, I have been finding it hard to get amped about Halloween as I normally am. With everything going on in my life I haven't thought about costumes, or parties, or plans really, there has been so much other stuff to focus on. But today, I feel it. This is going to be a spectacular Halloween, one for the books. Because the fact is, it really doesn't matter what you dress up as, or how much sugar you consume, or the fact that you consumed so much sugar you want to vomit miniature snickers out for hours, it's Halloween and we all deserve to have the time of our lives. That is what the holidays are for!

The holidays are all about bliss and being around people you feel wonderful with and that you make feel glorious as well! So, I hope everyone has a magical halloween no matter what their plans are.... be it staying in and enjoying horror films or dancing the night away at a raging party. Just no matter what, have a very happy Hallowen!

Welcome to the holiday season everyone... this is only the beginning. : )

Katie on Love

I am not sure about you all, but I have a very hard time with the fact that I love way to many people and things. I don't just mean love as in sweaty palms racing hearts at the sight of a lover love, but best friends, family, dogs, the soft ivory sweater the girl is wearing that walks past me, listening to Judy Garland when I'm feeling down, doing my homework to Josh Groban's Christmas CD, wearing my blue silk dress, eating steamed vegetables and drinking tea, going home to costco trips and laying on our plaid couch in big baggy t-shirts, being the peanut butter between two people when snuggling, doing absolutely anything outdoors, playing ghost in the grave yard, studying anthropology and the human condition, watching old musicals and singing along, playing the same song in the car over and over until a new favorite comes out, going to Snowbowl after class to the prairie where we walk around, skyping callum, skyping my dad from his office even though it rarely works out well, reading travel blogs, dancing, going for runs to this fantastic fitness park, taking late night walks with good people, smelling coffee beans and drinking coffee when I need it, dressing people up in my clothes and outfits I create, Spending an hour looking at Anthropologie the store imagining the places I would go in the beautiful golden sweater dress I am currently obsessed with, going to vintage and antique stores, listening to records, baking christmas cookies and frosting them every christmas even though I am the only one who still enjoys that tradition, lighting candles that smell of warm inviting scents, being a vegetarian, traveling- and the thought of traveling the world, learning about people and their pasts and futures, perfectly crisp apples, snuggling with Arnold the greatest dog in the world, burts bees chap-stick, fire places, going to museums, studying history, seeing a show, brand new t-strap character shoes, new tights, flowy skirts, linen in the summer, the sweaty palmed feeling and excitement of meeting someone new and the nerves when they place their hand on your back,corduroy, scrary movies ( not to get confused with gory movies), girl movies when I want to cry, mittens, playing with kids, chasing Kim and being chased by Kim in circles in our kitchen, autumn and winter, dreaming up plans of travels and adventure in my head, white lace, learning new songs to sing, listening to anything Jason Robert Brown has composed, watching the Nutcracker... oh my goodness, the list goes on and on.

The fact of the matter is, I love far to many things.... honestly. I can't control the fact that I just love it all. I need to seriously calm my roll. Who am I kidding, everyday I discover something new I love to add to the list! But above all of these things, I love people the most. People as a whole, I love meeting new people, I love learning about people, I love people. But specifically, I do favor some... so here is to loving full heartedly. Here is to loving so many things so strongly and passionately that I might actually be skitzo.... but seriously.

And to those of you in my life that I love the most, thank you for being the loves of my life.

Icy Hot

First off, this is what Flagstaff looks like right now. I am obsessed with the San Fransisco peaks, I see them outside my window- which I always have opened. This first off keeps my room crisp so I can snuggle under warm blankets and also lets me have a perfect view of these lovely mountains. It's an absolutely fulfilling feeling waking up to a freezing room which forces me to run into my shower across cold tile while quickly tearing clothes off my body. It is a perfect way to start a day. I then proceed to put on my tights, dress, boots, and wonderful new wool coat and top it off with a scarf, a braid in my hair, and mittens. I am dreaming in winter right now... which is dangerous for me. I enjoy it far to much.

So today I found myself in such an odd mood. Take a minute to remember I am a girl here, and can get a bit emotional just like anyone else. So I found myself feeling contrasting emotions: icy and raging hot. It was like I wanted to upset people just for a reaction( the hot headed thing) and I also felt like I wished all my emotions would go away and I could just be stoic( like ice). So this in turn didn't bid well for me. I ended up not only provoking people but also loosing my cool a bit. It was Icy Hot. Not in a cool, bitter sweet icy hot way. I mean really, I think I got on some peoples nerves quite a bit. And, in fair reasoning, I was being mental. But have you ever had a day like this?

A day where all you want is to get a reaction out of people, almost just to know that they care? I found myself sitting in my bed with my computer, while megan sat underneath my bed being calm and collected, and I sat up top loosing it and crying quite a bit. The fact of the matter is... sometimes we just want to know people love us. I am no exception, I felt like I needed to know something, I needed to know he was there. It's silly, and it's petty, and it's completely human. We all want to feel needed by someone and important to someone... so today my mood was definitely strange.

I am Icy Hot sometimes and I can't help it! I am a mess I think maybe. But, I will happily spend time with people I love and dream of winter and go running and sing and dance and jam out with megan in her car to get me by without being insane. Okay, well let's face it, I will always be a bit insane! Oh goodness, I will always be overly excited and less calm and collected, there is no getting around it. That is me, but I rarely get sad like this, so when I do... I think it just pushes me into this Icy Hot mood. I am going to try to control it now though.

I refuse to be Icy Hot any longer, even when I want to feel needed.

: )

Fear.

I absolutely hate the word fear. No really, I mean hate as in if it were a person I might lower my standards to backstab him and spread unseemly lies to ruin his life, type hate. That's strong folks. I even dislike bolding in writing- but felt is necessary to bold the word hate. Let's stop me here before I become even more dramatic about the situation and end up sounding like a character straight out of The Glass Menagerie or any other Tennessee William's work for that matter. Although, who doesn't enjoy being a bit overtly dramatic every now and again? Just me? Well, moving on....

Fear, this mindset like happiness, causes people to do irrational things, or better yet causes them not to do things that they might really feel the need to do. Fear controls people.

Now, I guess the reason I hate fear is because I hate authority or anyone who tries to control me, that has been a problem my whole life. No doubt about it. And to me, fear is that authority figure shaking it's long slim grey finger in my direction whenever I want to take a leap or step out of my comfort zone. Well, as you all know, I never give into authority unless it's in good reason, and even then it isn't without a noteworthy fight.

Giving in has never been in my playbook of life... from refusing to wear shoes to refusing to fill my gas tank up when it was on empty... alright so it isn't always an admirable trait. But as a matter of fact I do like this quality about me. I have never been one to give into peer pressure, never been one to give into my parents, never been one to give into who I was dating.... but as I have gotten older, I have started to care a bit to much about what some people may perceive me as. But no more! I refuse to left fear conquer me, and that is an easy decision for me to make.

What bothers me more than letting myself get consumed by fear, is the fact that people around me fear more for my life plans far more than I do! That is absolutely RIDICULOUS. It's my gosh darn life! Why is everyone so afraid for me? Now granted, I understand I am a bit of a wild child: my mom once told me she was glad I didn't live in the 60's because I would have been a flower child at her best. I do agree, but I think I see that more of a positive than a negative, which may in fact be the reason that people are more fearful of my lifestyle than I am. The funny thing is, it's not that they are afraid of me doing drugs, or smoking, or being a drunkard, it's that they are afraid of me living a life that is not always supported by our society. It is a life that is unknown to most around me, and it is a life that is random and not planned.

Now I know that the way I want to live, traveling from place to place, meeting new people constantly, is not the life everyone wants. I have been blessed enough to grow up in a family that has always provided me with everything I need, and trust me, I have learned not to take it for granted. But I also see many people who grew up like me living in fear, which has led them to jobs they hate, apartments that cost way to much, a loss of sensitivity, a numbness, and family lives they don't want to go home too. To me, that is way more frightening than staying in a dirty hostel for a night lost in a country. Oh, that actually sounds great to me! I am ready for the adventure, ready to lead a life where I can take risks and chances because I don't let fear rule me.

So, lesson of this rant. I refuse to let an emotion live my life for me- and you shouldn't either.

Apologies now for the fact that this was a horribly written almost 3:00 am vomit of my current emotions. I am purging my worries here, right now. : )

Smile Watch

For those of you who know me extremely well, you probably know about my secret pass time I have been partaking in since I was very young: smile watching. Although I suppose it isn't so much watching someone smile as it is watching someone come out of a smile. Either way it is the most brilliant thing to watch, and I think I have finally figured out why it fascinates me so much.

Now first let me preface this with, I have seen some ridiculously awkward coming out of smiles before. And I enjoy this almost as much as what I am about to describe today. That look on someone's face that says, I have no idea if it's okay to stop laughing right now or how do I stop looking like a smiling baboon. But past those silly times I have seen something so legitimately human and rare.

When People come out of smiles there is something so lovely that happens, after the lit up eyes and wrinkled smile lines and true laughter comes the natural expression of content. It's only there for a second a simple look and then we move on to looking questioning or smiling again or getting upset. But for a rare second all that is on our faces, is a look of content. It only makes sense that this would happen naturally after coming out of a joyous face. But think for a second, how often is it that a person has the warming sensation of content?

As people, we naturally are searching for the brighter future or focusing on our tormented past, but what about being content with where we are right now? I am very guilty of living in my past and future, but I try to consciously stop myself from living that way. I think it's sad that we are rarely content with what we have. We force ourselves to believe that bigger or newer things will miraculously make our lives better. But this just isn't so. No matter where we are in life, we are going to want more. But what if we all tried to stop ourselves from thinking like this?

If we all learned to recognize when we were doubting our presents just because of what lies behind or ahead, maybe society could have some major changes. If we learned how to deal with our problems in the now and be content maybe divorce rates would go down, possibly less cheating and stealing would occur, and possibly people would be more natural more often instead of trying to be something which will make their lives seem of greater importance. Watching someone have a glimpse of content gives me a glimpse of how wonderful human life is. We have the capability and right to be happy no matter where we are in life, I truly believe happiness is a mindset.

Now I am in no way saying, don't chase your dreams. I am just wondering if we could all be content while going after what we want on the entire ride of life. I am trying very hard to do this in my life, to be content for the journey. I challenge you to attempt this with me.

So next time you catch someone smiling, look for that slight instant after the smile, and watch how perfect that look of content is. It's time we all were content more often.

An Explanation

If it's true that copying is a form of flattery, it's only obvious that I admire Joan Didion and George Orwell. I choose to call my blog Why I Live because when I was 16 years old, someone I respect very much, assigned me and my fellow class mates to read Joan Didion's Why I Write. For some reason those three words show up in my life often. Although almost everything in my AP Language class has stuck with me, and I believe made me learn to question things even more, this one essay has never left my mind. Didion says in Why I Write that she has just that one subject she can report on, her writing, it's her focus and area. Well, I have chosen to focus on something in my life as well, and that's simply living.

Now I don't mean living in the sense of "living the good life" nor do I mean to down play the way other people live their lives. I only mean to talk on a subject that I am devoting my focus on in life. The one topic that I think gives me insight into the human condition. I have no divine right to say that how one person lives their life is incorrect. But I do have the right to view my life, and view the lives of all those I see and try to come to some realization on why we as humans do what we do, why we feel what we feel, and why we don't do what we really should. Like Didion I don't flatter myself to believe that I am an expert in any area other than this.

Living is all I know. I know that life is flawed and life is painful and life is shit sometimes. But beyond all that, this is my and yours one life to live. And I can truly say that I believe living and experiencing life is how we as people become tolerant, loving, and humane. This is it, and I intend for this life to be all I can make it. This life will be joyous and loving and adventurous all of my time.

So here is to better understanding life, here is to truly being a human who focuses on living.

Cheers.