That's old...

Guess what?

In a month and 2 hours I will be 20 years old. The end of my teens. The end of being a young adult. I will be 20. The... older... yet newer and better version of Kaitlyn Anne Skinner, the 2.0. version. It's a big deal, well, it's a pretty big deal. Actually, well... okay it's a big deal to me.

The scariest part about becoming 20.... in ten more years... I'll be thirty... after that 40... after that... oh my god... I'll be 50 years old. Yes, aging, a miraculous and fucking terrifying thing. I don't want to be 50, ever. I take that back, I'd like to live until 50, but I also would like to stay 19 forever.

You all must get the gist of my ramblings, time is terrifying. Time moves slow and fast at the same time. We dream of fast forward buttons on the boring or mundane times, we dream of stop buttons on the amazing memories. We keep dreaming, and time keeps passing, and it's sad. I mean, I want to live everyday for today, but it's harder said than done. Anyways...

What I really do want to talk about today is aging. The other day a lovely older woman walked in the coffee shop I'm a barista at. She had long silky grey hair cut in a simple way and it moved naturally. No dye, no fake highlights, no roots needing to be touched up, just shinning silky grey hair. I thought she was just wonderful to look at, she was embracing her natural beauty that comes with age. From 20 year olds wearing anti-wrinkle cream to 30 years old getting monthly botox, we just seem to not face age well. Men buy red shiny cars or have inspirational epiphanies. Women dye their hair and make it so their faces can't move. All this, just to prove we aren't aging?

The truth is, everyone knows we are aging, and I think the people who age the most gracefully, are the people who admit they are aging and embrace it. The ones who can have long silky grey hair and still feel 20 inside! The ones who can still run and jump and hike and bike ride at the age of 80 instead of going to the salon and worrying about their hair color! We all know we age folks... why is this a bad thing? With age comes wisdom, with age comes more love, with age comes experience, and with age still comes new times and memories and fun!

So I won't freak myself out about becoming 20 just yet, because I know I have such incredible times to come, and I hope to face them with grace. Let's all face our ages with grace, let's run and jump and climb and swim and hop and have fun for the rest of out long lives.

Time can't stop us!

Quench it!

Somedays I wake up and just feel the need to find passion. I feel the need to quench my creative thirst and nourish myself with words or beauty or hand dyed charadney lace. On days like this I can not count on others to provide me with what I need, I must rely on myself and what I know.

As I put each leg into my tights, layer dress upon slip, scarf upon coat, mascara upon lashes, I can't help but crave fresh air. So I walk out the door with my perfectly tanned saddle bag slung across my body carrying only some variation of caffeine, a pen, and a notebook. Here I am, seeing the crumbling rock mountains around me, doodling flowers and faces, writing awful poetry and music, putting words on paper that make sense to no one but myself. It's now that I realize, the things we do, they have to be for us, not for anyone else. I know how to quench my thirst, and that's my job in life!

As I'm growing up, I'm starting to have to plan things around not only myself but the important people in my life. I'm having to make sure that I include the people I want in my life, while constructing a dream. Here I am knee deep in plans and decision making, when it's what I'm worst at. It's hard for me not only make decisions for myself but times that by 100 to the 9th degree and that's the pressure I feel when making decisions that are going to affect the people I care most about.

It's hard to do thing for ourselves sometimes, I really believe it's easier to make decisions that we think will make others happy than will make ourselves content. But on days, weeks, months, and years like these I realize just how important it is, that I make choices for myself. I have to live with the life I create, we all do.

So choose for yourself. Accept that your plans may have to include others and it's work to fit your dreams with the dreams of those you care about. But still, make sure it's your choice in the end. The only way we can be happy with our choices is to step up and make them ourselves.

This isn't 1800 anymore, the world is our oyster, and it's an expedia or sta travel ticket away. What we want, it's reachable. So keep reaching my friends.... and do it for yourselves.

I know I will.

Limbo.

This is the time of year in Arizona where it feels like you are stuck between the warming holiday season and the future summer to come. Spring is not in the air my friends, because there is no spring to be heard of in Arizona. It's a place I like to think of as Limbo.

Not only am I in seasonal Limbo stuck between mild weather and a burning hot summer, but a kind of emotional limbo as well. Since the holidays are gone, I'm no longer in England, I'm no longer singing carols, I no longer spend all day with my boyfriend and best friend, and I'm no longer dreaming of wool tights and sweater dresses. No, no, that's all gone. Right now, is getting down to business time. It's working, it's cleaning out the closet, and it's simply dreaming of what's to come. Summer is now on my mind, and it's all I can think about.

I've been cursed with a brain that constantly thinks of the future, and rarely the now. I see my life as being perfect once March 23rd comes and I see callum for 12 days or once the summer comes and I get to play all day while working at a Summer Camp with people I love. I can't get enough of day dreaming about how lovely it's all going to be, once I get there. My plans are just all so brilliant and inspiring that i just want them to pan out now, I want the future now... my biggest fault.

Call it impatience, call it angst, call it missing people, call it whatever you may, but right now, I'm in limbo. I'm stuck here, and I can't get out fast enough. I live each day happily, but each day I happily think that I'm almost there... wherever that may be. But that's just me, that's how I am.

So it's high time I get out of emotional limbo, and not just live happily, but actually daydream about the way my life is now, what I have here. Because no matter how many times we check the clock a day, it's still here until the sun goes down.

Let's leap out of limbo together.

Kleenex vs. Tissues

Well yesterday morning I woke up to a sore throat, an explosive head, and a snotty nose. Yes, the head cold got me, and it got me good. I decided to sleep in for once and just stay in bed, there was no way I was going anywhere while knives scraped the back of my throat and I couldn't breath without making Darth Vader noises. So I walloped in self misery and ignored the outside world, which by the way is what I do when I'm sick, feel sorry for myself, it's fantastic. Anyways, while I did all that I also took a skype call from the boyfriend of course. Our conversation mostly consisted of me complaining and falling asleep while drooling on my pillow... yes I actually fell asleep while talking to him... but hey I was sick!

Anyways, during my ramblings I told mr. badger I needed to go downstairs to get more kleenex... and that's when this all started. Now, kleenex is a brand of course, tissues are the product. But I was raised on kleenex, and like many people living in the continental united states, kleenex is what I call tissues. It's a horrible habit that I need to kick, I'll admit it. But branding of course plays a huge role in my life.

I realized I am a brand whore, and it's got to stop. I drink diet coke only, I blow my nose in kleenex, I shop at Urban outfitters, I use apple, google is my homepage, and tylenol cold is like magic to me. Oh dear, I think capitalism has really gotten to me.

But here is the problem, businesses start small and through being the best or connections or luck or all of it they grow into these brands that take over majorly. So then they become these huge corporate machines that can control much of the world through their success and monetary power, kind of a scary thought. But think about it, what small business doesn't dream of no financial worries, of being the best of the best in their area, and what's so wrong with that?

So what is wrong with calling tissues kleenex? Well, because kleenex isn't paying me to advertise for them, that is exactly why. In fact, I am paying them. It's similar to my biggest pet pee ever.

My biggest pet peeve in the world is...drum role please... wearing shirts or pants or any article of clothing that has a huge brand name written across it. Whew, glad I got that out.

I refuse to wear a pair of velour pants that exclaim "juicy" on the back, unless they are paying me to wear them. Why in the world would someone be a walking billboard for a company, when they aren't even paying them? It's ridiculous. Plain and simple, it's ridiculous! I get that brands are important to many people, me included sometimes, but come one people, we are not billboards! I have since 5th grade, refused to wear a shirt with any brand name on it, and I will continue to refuse for the rest of my life.

So here it is, in a capitalistic, consumer driven society we have to choose which battles to fight. I will try not to call tissues kleenex, because kleenex is just a name. Until kleenex is paying me to endorse their product, I will endorse tissues not kleenex. I need to stop being such a brand whore, so here I go fighting the world of capitalism while living knee deep in it.

Wish me luck!