Chain Judger

Today I had a wonderful talk with someone I used to be very close to. It was nice to just lie there sprawled across the bed chatting, it was comfortable, it felt so... naturally normal. But some of the things I heard shocked me, and made me down right frustrated.

Now, this blog is all about the way I view my life, the lives I see, and life in general. I put out my opinions, but I do recognize other opinions, and I try my very hardest not to judge people based on their different opinions. But sometimes, I just want to judge.

I want to judge, because someone else judged, and it's this big nasty chain of judging each other. It all started when someone judged someone I feel close to for this person's very personal choices. I won't get into details, but yes, in a nut shell... it was ridiculous.

It made me think about how judging really is a chain. If someone judges me, I feel the need to make a snap decision about them and judge them right back. When someone judges someone I know, the exact same thing happens. It's like that song, she only smokes when she drinks... well I only judge when I'm judged... and that's simply pathetic; yet so simply human.

I hate the idea that I'm putting on my judgy pants in haste when I don't fully know why that person made the judgement. I may not agree with it, but what if the person is so emotionally connected to the situation, and no one else sees that. I need to take off my judgy pants and realize... I'll never fully understand another person's perspective... because I don't have the ability to ride the magic school bus into someone's brain.

Chain Judging must be stopped, but it has to start with myself. My judgy pants are off.

Ugly Katie.

There are things that each of us dislike about ourselves. From a little extra fat on the inside of our thighs or the way we crack under pressure or the way we look in a mirror. We find in ourselves the worst faults, worse than anyone else could see in us.

As a person who has struggled with self image issues in her past, and like everyone else always has little woes, I know what it feels like to completely loath yourself for something. We are many of us guilty of finding our ugly selves more often than we find our beautiful selves.

Ugly Katie stares back at me some mornings in the mirror, and to shake her off takes quite a bit of work. She's controlling, emotional, unattractive looking, and when I see her my stomach drops. Some days Ugly Katie never goes away, somedays we all just feel Ugly.

The thing we all have to realize is, we have to constantly keep ourselves in check. Constantly make sure we are being the best person we can be, helping out the global community just by loving those around us. But to love those around us, we honestly have to love ourselves. Because when I am Ugly Katie, I think the world thinks of me as Ugly Katie, and that really makes it hard to love them back. To see those around us with clarity we must view ourselves with some sense of it as well. We are to biased to make such harsh and rash judgements upon ourselves because we are to eager to jump to negative conclusions.

I mean we are always all going to have Ugly days. Days where it seems impossible to not cry or scream at someone; and more importantly it seems impossible to feel beautiful( and I don't necessarily mean physical beauty) and love ourself. But the only way to feel beautiful is to learn to fight through the Ugly days. To learn to combat your inner Ugliness with love and appreciate yourself and those around you.

If we ever want to fully love those around us and ourselves we can't let the Ugly version of ourselves take us over, we have to fight for our beauty everyday. We have to fight to be the version of ourself that makes us happiest. And while we will always want to loose 5 pounds or become better at being a lover or make the people around us happier, we also have to always know how to kick that negative feelings and combat the ugly.

It's up to yourself to decide how to fight off your personal Ugly. But I'll have you know, once you fight it off life can really be beautiful.

No amount of praise from people will change the way we view ourselves, it's up to me to not be Ugly Katie.

I will survive... and so will you.

I like the past.

I like vintage, I like believing in ghosts, I like history, I like museums filled with toaster ovens and bicycles and things that were once new that now seem so fragile. I like listening to elderly discuss life back in a different time. I like period movies and crinoline petticoats and old worn horse shoes. I like the past, I really do.

As a person who lives " in the future" so often and is always looking for something new, I find myself drawn constantly into the past. History has always been something so intriguing to me. It's like learning about a whole new world, yet it all happened right here. And yes, feel free to burst into a chorus of Aladin's whole new world as you are reading this, I know I did...

Anyways, Right here, where I am sitting now, was a completely different place in a different time. It's insanity really. It's mind blowing. I can spend hours walking around museums filled with trinkets and treasures and just think about the people who used to hold them dear. It's impossible to walk through museums without thinking about the child who once rode that shiny new bike or the 1950's wife who made toast for her family every morning through her modern new toaster oven. It's impossible not to think about the people behind all the items from the past.

I have this locket that belonged to a family member of mine from ages ago. It's etched with vines and a cross hatch pattern and it's made from a delicate worn down gold. The hinge is broken, and sadly, in such a frail state it can't be fixed. I've always wanted to wear that locket since it was given to me. It's funny though to think that when my great great great grandmother was wearing that locket, she had no idea that I one day would treasure it so, or that she in a way would live on through it. I obviously never knew her, but I imagine her every time I look at it.

We all think that when we die we stop being known completely, that life just moves on and we are never going to be remembered again. But while life goes on, the past always finds a way to pop out, it's always here. I now have my own locket, something I've wanted badly for ever. My sister gave me the simple silver heart with KAS etched across it for Christmas last year. I've never taken it off since, but one day I will.

One day I will get to be the person who passes down a treasure of mine to be someone else's. It may be out dated and the hinge may be ruined, but it will be a beautiful reminder that the past still does live on. The people who once lived aren't dead really, they survive through the most ordinary objects and become constant memories that everything we are right now, will one day be the past.

We are so afraid of growing old, so afraid of being people of the past; I admit it, I am. But the most remarkable thing is that we are truly lucky in that way, one day I will get to be the great great great grandmother who lives on through my beloved locket. I love the past, and although I hate the idea of wrinkles and fake teeth, I feel honored that one day I will be a person of the past living on through the entirety of the future.

The silver may be scratched and writing illegible but one day generations after me someone will imagine who I was, who the girl wearing this locket really was. And that's how we live on, and that's absolutely lovely.

What a symmetrical face you have my dear!

The first time I met Mr. Badger I immediately noticed two things. A. He had a white man afro and B. beyond his hair he was incredibly attractive ( Sorry love, but you know I never liked that fro of yours). The second thing I noticed was that he smiled and laughed a lot, I was just super drawn to him and wanted to be a part of the fun. I didn't know why immediately, but I knew I wanted to talk to him more. On a night out I found myself maneuvering my way around people just to "happen to sit by him".... although he claims it was him who tried to sit by me... either way, we ended up talking. And the rest, well, it just sort of all happened.

The point of me regurgitating this story is that the reason we are attracted to people really amazes me. Now Mr. Badger studies biology. He believes in science. I study the people around me, and I half believe science but with my whole heart believe in feelings. Science tells us that the colors we wear, and the higher our voices, and the wider our hips, the more likely a man is to love us. And for women, science tells us we are more attracted to big dilated pupils and big other things. Well mostly Cosmopolitan tells us that last one, but you get what I'm saying. I think we are just naturally drawn to some people because of a feeling. I can't explain it, it makes no sense, and I'll face it.... it sounds like "new age" nonsense, I know. But it's just a feeling. And no, I don't center my chakra daily... but I have been told I have a violet aura. Yeah I'm pretty fantastic. Okay, anyways...

Whenever I meet someone for the first time I always get a feeling about them. It's body language, it's eye contact, it's humor, it's everything. But I usually either feel drawn to the person, or just want to stay away. And of course, when I'm first attracted to someone it's due to their looks, that's normal I'm pretty sure. But as time goes one, the more I get to know a person, my view of their outside really changes. I've met people I found unattractive physically who I grew to find attractive, and vice versa, just from getting to know them. Does this ever happen to you? I mean maybe I'm crazy, but I swear that happens to me.

Science also tells us that the more symmetrical the face the more beautiful the person. But I know plenty of people with odd looking faces that I feel are stunning because of that. And I know plenty of famous actors and models and performers have unique looking features and are viewed as beautiful in society. I guess that more has to do with popularity though and the way it changes how we view people...which is a completely different factor for a whole different day.

So here is my question, why are we attracted to certain people? Why did I get the feeling I wanted to know Mr. Badger more when I barely knew him at all? What is it about people that automatically makes us think, I've got to be near them. It's a question that I can only answer with an answer that will appease myself. And it might lack complete and utter sense to you, but to me, it all boils down to a feeling.

But that's just me. I've never really liked science much.

American woman, please don't stay away from me

I currently feel like shit.

I feel ignored, and ridiculous, and all other awful feeling things a girl can feel sometimes. So I'm going to write about a woman who wouldn't let herself get down over this, because I am not letting someone else make me feel this bad, and golly am I'm tired of crying.

I want to write about someone who is an inspiration to me, a woman who wouldn't just sit by and cry over someone either, yes ladies and gents, Judy Garland is her name, and American women are the game. From Somewhere Over the Rainbow to A Star is Born, Judy Garland is stellar. I can honestly say I know every word in Meet Me in St. Louis, and I admit that proudly. She dealt with her drug addiction, multiple failing relationships, and hundreds of husbands, all the while remaining as lovely as ever. She was a true American Woman.

The characters she choose to play were all ideal. They were innocent ingenues, but stuck up for things they knew were right. They couldn't be contained by society yet they still maintained their own moral codes. They had huge hearts and amounts of courage to match. They went through heart ache and pulled through to the end. They were ideal American Women.

I recently read an interesting article in the financial times titles American Ideal. It discussed how everyone all over the world knew about these American women and their outrageous acts in the 1920's. They could do what they want, they weren't just stay at home women anymore. They were out partying and smoking and drinking gin and playing poker... while still wearing heels, a dress, and smelling wonderful, so scandalous. They were sassy alright, but they were delicate flowers at the same time. It's a balance and partnership of characteristics that made them so appealing. It's the perfect equation for a woman of intelligence and intrigue and freedom at the same time, it's so damn American. It's all about freedom and the ideals of not being contained, while still maintaing the womanly image. It's one of the most endearing things to see in other women I think, and I hope to have some of these qualities myself.

I think the most inspiring women are those like Judy Garland. The opinionated, stubborn women who still maintain a grace about them. They are free and fun and loving, but they won't be taken for granted... and they have the confidence to do what they want. I hope that I too can be an ideal American woman in this life, free and soft, but strong and courageous.

And to all those American woman out there, you are truly awe inspiring, just like Ms. Garland.

An ode to the perfect summer hat.

It's no lie that my skin is as white as snow... and it's sickening. When summer roles around it's all about sunscreen and hats for me, and hopefully a bit of tan will come my way without turning me into a wrinkly old woman. But finding the perfect hat is sickening as well, seeing as I look like a complete oaf in half of them out there. But this summer, I found it.

Now, this obviously isn't a fashion blog. But I admit I do spend a fair bit of my time browsing lookbook and reading Elle & Vogue & Nylon & Lucky. Sometimes I just find myself completely captivated by the art of fashion.

I hope we can all agree without getting into the "what is art" argument, that fashion is an art form, right? It's expression, it's beauty,and honestly it's rare in a world filled with people walking around purely in outfits put together and mass produced out of stores like top shop or forever 21... not that I don't shop at those stores as well. But fashion isn't supposed to be about everyone looking exactly the same. Everyone wearing shoes, shorts, shirts, bags, headbands, all from one store. No... it's art! That means it's creativity, it's new, it's experimenting, it's pushing the boundaries sometimes. Let's face it, fashion isn't about comfort, it's about so much more, just like any other art form. Do you really think the first ballerina's to perform Le Scare Du Printemps( The rite of Spring) felt comfort when mass chaos broke out just due to the choreography... not they were pushing the limits. They knew people wouldn't like it, it wasn't comfortable for them, but they were creating art.

The thing is , it is far easier to wear our Gap sweater with our Nordstrom jeans and Steve Madden flats, because that's what the magazines or stores have put together for us... but that my friends, is not fashion to me. That's simply tracing a drawing someone else put their passion and imagination into. So this summer, I am trying out some new things, trying to push my own boundaries. I refuse to plagiarize.

I've found a hat I wouldn't normally pick out for me, and it turned out to look quite groovy on me I think! So try something new, maybe even check out your local thrift stores and just start creating... if you feel inclined to do so. Like other forms of art, fashion doesn't have to be for everyone. But it is for me, and I feel quite passionate about it.

And passion, is what creates world changing art. And just like in life, pushing the boundaries for something you are passionate about isn't going to feel safe, but that doesn't mean it isn't right.

And to think, all this flew out of my mouth... or my fingers I suppose... because of a hat.